Yellow Eyed Delusion

Obliteration

2011-12-15T02:56:00.003+05:30

I was thinking.
What if…
I would go to a park where couples make out. Sit on a tree. And watch one couple, sneaking into their personal intense moment. And sense love taken over by lust. Have orgasm. Not masturbate. And just watch till it makes me sick.
Solitude brings strange desires within me. It is not perversion.
You can’t say so. I won’t let you.

I was thinking from uterus, not heart.
Forget.

I decided to go to hibernation as December happened.
My world was pale. All the colors washed away to a distant desert of bliss.
I woke up to the sound of fog.
The sun was still sleeping in some brothel.
Yellow dull street lights stared at me from the open window and I was dreaming wide awake caressed by an arousing chilly wind, or just hallucination of the night.

She wandered slowly in her room following the harmony in Cohen’s voice. She pretended as if the man was singing for her. Cohen sang it for Nancy, and she was being Nancy in a mirage of fabricated reality. Was her life just mockery of love? She wasn’t sure. She believed she was a semi-precious stone. She believed she was Nancy. She closed her eyes and stepped slowly on the cold floor, barefoot, and she wore an old navy blue woolen sweater and grey shorts. Cold, cold it was. Winter was creeping up her shoulder and her bare fair legs. Now Cohen started singing another song about this strange intriguing woman named Suzanne. She hated Suzanne. Because she couldn’t become her. Because she didn’t have feathers to wear and love to give. She instead put on her black stockings and slept in her Nancy dreams.

I asked myself: “How are you my love?”
And the spiral path of useless thoughts began in my head.
I’m okay. Or, may be not. Wait, I am NOT okay.
I’m messed up and miserable.
I’m sad and lonely.
I’m in love and I’m frustrated.
I loved a phantom. I made out with a teddy boy.

Ignore me. I am so damn reality-phobic.

And I am not sad.
I am too lazy to be sad.
I’m an apathetic person with a dirty grey heart and I’m in pathetically in love with the mere idea of love.
What is love? = Lunacy Obduced by Verbal Erraticism. If it makes sense. But love doesn’t make sense anyway.

She reclined on her chaotic bed. He was half a country away. There was a phone call. She was talking to him; she was falling for him as if she already hasn’t fallen. She stretched her legs wide apart. Something was wet in there. And her heart was wet too. But he was half a country away, a long long telephone cord away. She reclined on the bed of metaphysical sex. She put down the phone. She slept in the woolen navy sweater and the black stockings. Her legs no more wide apart, rather resting alongside. Grey shorts laid aside. Winter’s night put a blanket of numbness over her.

Winter is here again. Time for solitude, time for ache.
Time for my conjured snow flakes to fall. Time for my love of pain. Time for night of frozen stars.
I am back to my self again.

A Perennial Fiction in My Heart

2011-11-25T20:26:00.001+05:30

The light fell on your face, coming from the distant street lamp.
And lots of shadows.
An unknown rhythm I felt, in you, in me, in the surrounding.
You must go, you must go soon… But stay just a little while?
I’m just emerging from the grey of my heart. I’m just breathing in your smell. I’m just living in your arms, in an intransient warmth, that would linger even when I cannot feel your breath through my hair anymore. ‘Cause you’re gone.
And now you will become a metaphor. In my delusional dreams I’ll refrigerate you until I run out of my sense of energy. An energy you are leaving within me, a part of you merged into my dusty young soul.
You’re somewhat like the cigarette burning between my fingers. The smoke fades away behind the curtain of air, but the smell remains, and the stains.
You looked into my eyes, my blurry eyes, and I perceived you as the most enthralling hallucination ever. I was wrong. You were real.
The dew on the grass blades, was shinning as if it had rained diamonds on this earth, and it was wet; as the evening was falling into winter’s arms – I made you sit down in the shadow, I fell into you.
To you I’m a psychedelia; to me you’re an enigma. But I know you. I have felt you in my bloodstream. I have lived you, as you defined me, as you discovered me, as you loved me.
Did you?
That touch was eerie. That embrace was out of the world. You rushed into my head, you tasted my breath, you collapsed into me; and I to You.
A void heart you have chosen, who would point at your mistake?
I would stare at your lips, dry-dead skin, and breathe you in.
The existence of this world started to get fainter as you told me life was worth living, love was worth waiting for. I believed. No more tears to shed, no more fears to runaway from… only a hollowness, a hole, you are leaving somewhere in me.
…In the day we were puffing and just living. I was stepping on stones floating in the sky…feeling warmth on my shoulder. Was it you? Was it? I guess.
The phantom kissed on my forehead, and its blackmagic soul fell in love with me… Me … I’m a nowhere rebellion tethered with extreme rights and wrongs of life. Seeking salvation. Being a non-believer. I still am. Only that I’ve found serenity, in my place that you showed me. And you showed me a piece of heaven residing in a secret garden placed somewhere within the rusty brick world.

White ghost trees painted grace on my iris. Mesmerized, I felt my existence dividing, a soul and a body. The soul reached out to the isle of abandoned dreams, of forgotten childhood, of yellow memories, of foggy love. The body stood still. And you reached out to me, brought my soul back into the body. Offered me life, a greater one, and showed me a path of faith to enlightenment of the Truth. You answered my questions and left yours for me.

We walked. We sat. We felt.
And I discovered you in an esoteric place, I delineated you, yes you; and I learned to admire parts of you, visible and invisible ones… your curls, your eyes, your jaw line, your voice, your energy, your existence.
I’m fallen.
And I’ve decided to stay here, sleeping wide awake, until you come and make it rain on me from your obscure clouds again.
I wanted to write more. But then we didn’t drink Rum in winter days.

--just unrequited delusion of fictitious reality--

Nevermind.

To you. yes You!

2011-11-17T22:15:00.001+05:30

You can do much more,
than just swanking your red straps,
and sometimes just black.
Your existence is more vibrant
than your slutty clothes and glossy skin.
I believe there’s a pale yellow dream
under those purple eyelids.
Drops of innocence...
Dark blue love.
But you prove me wrong.
Most of the times.

It rained one night...

2011-11-06T12:38:00.001+05:30

Empty hands stretch out;

A red light of a distant watchtower…

Solitude runs down from your hair

As a nameless wind kisses your shoulder;

The dark night slowly makes love

To a freshly dead brown moth …

I sense, I behold –

A lonely box-window romance.

Rusty serenade fades into nothingness.

2011-10-23T14:07:00.000+05:30

Another heart we keep on chasing, a dream of love we seek… but we end up in a solitary state of endless blues. Or we just get habituated with a clichéd idea of love, and spend our whole life trying to nourish that idea until we get fed up with it and die, and occasionally stop feeling, and seldom commit suicide.
But love is there, somewhere. Some people actually get that beautiful disease, some pretend to be affected. It’s just an illusion of hormones; but it’s there, for real, in whatsoever way, as a fictitious part of reality, or not.
People do fall in love. And in the other hand they also fall out of love.
So did We. Me and Him.
Some people are still not accustomed to the idea of falling out of love. But without any offence towards anybody’s personal view, I think this idea is true if, and only if something called “Love” exists.
Before I could completely figure out what I was going to commit, he left. And I stood under a big tree of uncertainty. It was so affecting that I became dumb, and also, pretty much numb. I was unsure of myself. But I was very much sure of him. I thought he actually loved me, and may be he did. I don’t know that now, and will probably never know.
He rushed through some busy street of Bombay while I, in my city, devoted myself to college life. There was literal distance. But also the hearts stood apart. What I thought was love, started to fade away. His face was getting more blurry, his voice was getting fainter, as days passed by. I sensed the distance clearly as the monsoon brought me pain of emptiness. We were not loving anymore, we were not speaking hearts out…we were saying words, we were keeping in touch.

Been days since I talked to him, I thought of calling him, and I did,
“Wow, it’s you.” He said recognizing my voice. But those three words told me, “It’s the same with him what’s with you”. He didn’t love me anymore. He told me he was in the city, he came back. But I wasn’t there; I was at the end point of India, on vacation.
Coming back with a lonely heart, I blamed myself for what I did. I couldn’t love him, and I couldn’t make him love me either; because you can’t do that, it’s against the invisible law.
He told me he fell in love again, with someone else, and I wasn’t sure if it was love, but I was relieved with a certain idiotic idea about he being the bad guy as he broke up; I didn’t. Soon I realized, it didn’t mean a thing.
Now I’m alone again, back to place I was at, and happy on my own. Earlier I was sad, the sting of not being able to be loved, the pain of letting go off something, because no matter what, we had something, and that was for real.
But being sad seemed so unfair to me; I had no right to be sad. I have lost tears long ago. But hard was not to let go off that pain. So I landed in the perfect state of no feelings. It’s as if I’ve never loved him; as if I’ve never loved anybody; as if I’m not capable of loving anybody anymore. The moments we had, all seem fake, the smiles, touches, feelings, everything. I am okay, but I’m wrong.
I’m alright, yet I’m not.
And I don’t know how to get out of this place yet.
I’m still trying,

Blue Sky, & Echoes of Life

2011-09-24T22:07:00.000+05:30

"Said my goodbyes and now

This journey's just beginning

Time to move on ahead and drive..."

(by Dream Out Loud)

....Sliding, stumbling, rambling through the helter-skelter of life, suddenly I stopped and looked up to the sky.
The frame of my eyes had no face, no smoke, no earth, just the blue…big blue sky.
Pieces of white clouds.
Autumn.
It’s almost here.
I can smell it.

My best friend is in love with someone. And once I loved him. He couldn’t love me back. I survived. Minus the romantic part the affection remained. I’m happy for him, in the purest form. But my love is fading away. The person I thought to be the poet of my soul has not been able to make me understand his poems well. I thought I loved him, but I didn’t. Well, I feel nothing about that. Just a little sense of guilt. I’m happy running on my track. I know, when it’s time, I’ll fall in love. There’s no hurry. It’s just the beginning. When there’s confusion, there’s something wrong. But I’ve got no time to sit and figure out the flaw. So, I’ll just let it go. No-love gives me no-frown.
I am this girl. I can smile. I can live. I can be crazy.
I have grown up.
Now I’m alright.
I am.

.....And suddenly I’m inspired. Suddenly I want to walk on the streets of Rome, taste that tangy food, be on my own, watch lovers on the corners of the street and eat ice-cream…
Oh you know what? I just watched “Eat Pray Love” again and I’m a bit high on my heels after that.
But I’ve just realized, I have got a lot to do. Self-made confusion and rants won’t do me any good. I have to start trying to be someone, evolve into a better person. No, I don’t wanna be invisible anymore. I want to be visible, with enough color saturation and contrast.
Life has changed. All I have to do is, live up a little bit.
And if you have been feeling stuck, or stifling in life, but can find no reason behind, or no cure in front, just go… go out of your room, take a look at the sky, get some air…breathe in Life. It’s time we learn to smile.

Dash-|

2011-09-07T19:23:00.001+05:30

What's wrong with me?

well, that's one and only thing I'm trying to figure out these days.

I left Economics, I left my fuckedup old college, I left the bad crowd. Now I'm where I belong.

I still am not happy. err..though I'm not sad either.

~~but still.~~

why this feeling?

Am I mad?

shit. a whole lot of shit.

I just want to sit down and read something. may be some good contemporary poet's work or so..

because I feel like an impotent Man. I can't write a thing, not a thing that makes sense.

and here I am whining.

But I'm not this girl. I'm more than this.

I can write, I can love, I can laugh.

But not right now. Right now I'm just purely impotent and no lousy or good medicine can cure it.

so here i go...

On the island

I wait

For what I don't know,

Longing for an unknown,

Detached from the mortal world

of Men and Women...

In the pitch dark
I wait

For the love of

The Heartless.


Where to go, no, I don't know.

Disturbed

2011-06-18T12:00:00.000+05:30

After effect of failed love, a disturbed mind.
thoughts and feelings I suddenly discovered last night...

I can sense this distance
Growing slowly between us,
As the smoke passes my hair
Escaping bound of your lips…

The smell of your body is fainter,
So I take the other way around
Caressing a crying heart of my own;
It’s the time for me to let you go.

I wander in an empty space
Placed for me within a black sea
Of slutty dancers and scary clowns;
Shells crack under my boot, as I try to runaway.

The head is spinning,
Round and round so fast…
The body is crashing,
I puff and puff harder…

Don’t feel, just touch;
Put me on fire,
Cheers to our dead love,
And drink the warmth…
We’ll daze the winter, tonight.

Crooked mind inside a beating heart

2011-05-17T20:31:00.001+05:30

Your tears have met the outfall
And one more drop for humanity;
The dull, damp lines of poetry - mocking sanity,
Deep inside dwells the murder conspiracy:
As your stoned hands grab my ribs
I search a safer room for my grimy dreams.
Darker nightmares n' psycho lady's wish,
A faint throb comes from the weary heart
Like after you've taken the happy pills,
When the sky seems to be falling on you..
And the world around you spins round n' round
With thousand buildings and countless stories
Of life, of people damned with cruelty and pain,
And you still remain thirsty for some bloodlike rain.

Rain fixed my Life

2011-04-02T12:28:00.000+05:30

I woke up with a sense of cold; I could feel the gloomy and numb day ahead and decided to stay at home. No amount of hot noodles and coffee could make sure that I feel alive. I knew what was about to come and so it happened.
It rained.
Rain makes me sad. It reminds me of my futile love, painful treacherous people I trusted and my childhood’s rainy days; and it makes me a past-analyzing retarded person.
When it starts raining, I feel a sudden joy; and then, that feeling shows itself to me. The feeling of being alone in a crowd, the feeling of not being wanted, the feeling of being deprived of love cripples up my shoulder.
But still I love to feel the rain, let it drench me and tell me the stories of faraway lands. Then again, it also makes me feel sexually deprived. I mean seriously, isn’t it wonderful to make love on a rainy day? Well, err… that doesn’t mean I’m a frustrated virgin (one of my friend keeps telling me that)! I still believe everything has its right time and purpose. But, rain makes me feel so… :/
Life is messed up right now. Nothing is in the right place. Getting hurt by people again and again. Lost my phone as it went down the toilet and slept in the shithole.
Yet, right now I feel solace.
You know why?
Rain fixed my life.
Rain told me it was okay to be sad and alone again.
And I’m here again, back to my old days.
Example? I am blogging -__-

I’m part of this supposed rain,
I can’t love the bright sun up there,
It would just embrace me cruelly
And evaporate me to the sky again…

Hide the rum, fake a smile.

2010-12-26T19:21:00.001+05:30

The more I look into this, the more it seems fake. Unreal.
Yes, I am talking about something you know.
Guess what it is? At least try? With your big head with a lil gray matter?
Well, let’s just spare you. It’s the world around us. Especially the world I am in.

Here it’s fascinating. Loud music, flashy lights, colors, amazing lonesome blues, smiles, tears, enthralling words, exciting guitar riffs, smokes, sex, life.
But sometimes a weird alcoholic solitude dissolves this dramatic life into nothingness.
You rummage through everything you have and realize you have nothing. Or may be you have something, but it doesn’t matter at the end.
Someone loves you? But you find it so unreal.
Your demand curve rises upwards, yet there’s no supply. (Here I talk like a prototype Economics student :| )
You sing to them “Take my photo off the wall if it just won’t sing for you”.
It’s like you are fooling yourself. But the truth is, everyone is in the trap, everyone is doing so. Nothing harms you. Yet your hear breaks to pieces, and you try to find the reason why.
Still, the rusty city calls you by name and you can’t avoid it.
Hope against thoughts, dreams against reality.
And someday… the frozen dead winter leaves gives you peace when it doesn’t rain for you anymore.

I cried because my Christmas was going to be ruined. But I somehow made it work for me with courage, some fun companions, chocolate pastry and Johnny Depp.
But I’m still thirsty for rum. I can help but curse that bar owner who didn’t let me in because his ping pong ball sized brain told him that I am not old enough to consume alcohol.
I’m legally adult you fuckface <_<
…
“But why is the rum gone?”
:/

P.S.- The title is worthless!

Blue bed, red shoes and my bokehs

2010-12-01T02:16:00.002+05:30

Where words are hidden in puzzle of silence and pain,
and a shadow longs for existence,
I save some wet touches and a lil serenade
for my heart or the lost bodies of nameless solitude...
Here lingers no clean lenses,
dusty pictures of skeleton eyes.
Somehow. So many colors merged into black n' white.

Bokeh

A pain with no reason,
A metamorphosis of hidden love,
Undying feelings...
A blue bed of acidic dreams,
No one speaks a word,
Momentary smile, broken decades ago...

Buried deep
some silent souls,
whispers unveiled
as I walk down the passage
among thousands of dead...

And sometimes I wish the wheels stop spinning and dragging my life somewhere I don't want to go...

With my old red shoes and acoustic time, I would rather stay alone.

Unsequenced Beads

2010-11-04T00:07:00.003+05:30

Well, I know, there is no such word like "unsequenced", still, err....it sounded good :/

As winter suddenly sneaks in:

Me: The cold November rain kills the autumn and steps on the frozen grass.
A hollow song is playing on, somewhere.
Feels like I'm behind the stage, dying, yet the sounds of claps go on...the show evolves. The world is somehow inside out....but I am too blind to see the truth!
Wanna go under the blanket and sleep forever in peace, with mystic magical dreams!

Kabir: And when your dreams reach a crescendo of your sensuality..... In that moment of eternal mysticism...when the magic peaks....freeze yourself into time forever. That way.....you shall have the frozen peak of sensuality.....preserved and to be relished forever.

Aritra: we wash away our make up
but to the world we remain a mere clown
we are just meant for entertainment
neither to feel... nor to frown....

-And it didn’t end, something came in the way…err.

Sea Diaries:
I went to the coast of Bengal, holidays you know… the trip was nice.
I sat at the sea shore, a lil’ away from the regular crowd, in the evening. The sea played an amazing music of solitude, a melody of some faraway land of dream.
I was so much submerged in the ambience; and in the momentary lapse of rumbling thoughts I could only find a discomfited peace that I never felt before. I let go the avarice of ache and detest I held inside.
The far horizon, where lil’ lights of fishing trawlers were tinkering, I kept gazing at it and seemed like I was sailing away, to eternity…
The sea stays alone, with lives smiling at its shore, it roars, shivers, cries in a hollow pain, and only some nomad toddling around the shore would hear it sometimes in its music of waves, the untold story of its hidden heart, longings and loses.
The sea scum whispered in my ears, words of lost love and ….i don’t know what…
But it felt good….really good.
I forgot the need of a smoke.

Snaps from the Sea Diaries:
[Click on the images to view larger size]

Randomly Dead Poet

2010-10-24T00:58:00.005+05:30

No other poem will be born from my pain,

As I lay down my hands in the cold of shame.

The suffocated heart has killed the poetic soul,

Lyrics of my life don’t rhyme anymore.

No more teardrops wait for a knock on the door,

Lonely footsteps die away in the sea shore;

The morning blues stay till the sunset

Celebrating the pitiless death of a nameless poet…

P.S.- click on the image to see larger size.

Consider it as a blog post

2010-10-17T12:48:00.000+05:30

SOMEONE said that I fell in love with the eternal sadness triggered by the blue rain.
I did.

...Because I fell in love with a pirate. Now he robbed my everything that is- my soul and color of my heart. I live like a lean, pale piece of dead moon or may be a rotten tomato.
The pirate got away with it. He had the princess, he still has her. But this little ugly pixie was left in the middle of the sea finding her solace in the bubbles of fake dreams captivated by the white sea-scum.

I wasn't a brat before. I was sad, but not a sadist before. The cynical way of life has created ME.
And now I am lost in some bitter-sweet smoke of weed.

But I saw a black butterfly in the station while waiting for the train. It danced around me as I watched it with a long-lost smile on my face. Suddenly the train arrived and the black-beauty was apart from me.

I have a firefly in my room. Every time I turn the lights off at night, it lits up its existence.

I don't feel alone. Anymore.

Just broken.

You played with me and left me as a broken plaything.

And someday I would move on.

Someday the pain would be eased.

Someday life would seem alright.

Someday I would forgive you.

Someday I'll hate your lies instead of loving them.

Someday...

P.S.- Don't worry if you are doing so =]

And Durga Puja was here again.

A night behind city lights...

2010-10-02T14:38:00.001+05:30

The sound of the song seemed much louder in the silent night. Anusha got up from her bed and reduced the sound level of the music system. She couldn’t enjoy the music. It seemed to be just a faint note of music coming from the background of her silent and gigantic arena of life. He called her fake. She wanted to protest and she did, because her attitude, accent, views were not fake. She didn’t want to hurt him, because she knew that she has loved an egoistic jerk, so she should not get pissed at him so easily.
But Anusha was just not in a mood to surrender, she thought against thoughts and decided love doesn’t worth her self-respect. After he hung up, she thought again, was it just self-respect or her secret ego? She was clueless. Their relationship was sensitive, newborn and vulnerable. Such a cold war didn’t seem very light to her. She assumed Aditya won’t call again.
The music was not louder anymore as she went back to bed. Her legs were trembling, she felt weak like never before. She checked her cell-phone, no messages. It was the end, inside she knew, but she couldn’t accept it. She loved Aditya like anything, and she didn’t know the reason why. She hugged the pillow as she cuddled up on her bed, and closed her eyes wishing Aditya was there beside her, his arms wrapped around her. It was just an imagination. The music stopped playing. Anusha opened her eyes. She didn’t want to replay the cd. She locked the door of her room in case her parents get up and Started searching her bag for something. After rummaging up the bag’s tummy, she found what she wanted – a crumpled packet of cigarettes. She lit one. Unusually her fingers were trembling. She was getting weak, her heart was shattering inside. Thoughts were jumbling up in her head. She took her diary out of desk; it was time to write something, her head needed a little peace. She stared blankly at the white pages as she held the pen. There was only one word floating in her mind – Aditya. Anusha got her thoughts back in a minute and started scribbling –
“A dream lies within the bitter smoke of cigars
Some love buried in a long lost fairytale…
Everything is just for you tonight.
But still you are not mine.

Without a tune or rhythm, let an odd song live
Being a poem that’s written for you…
Everything is just for you tonight.
But still I’m not yours.

A silent heart in a moment of hope;
An enthralled dream, a spellbound world…
Again love-
Just for you…”

She took out the ashtray hidden in her drawer and put the burned cigarette in it. It was time to put her self back together and go to sleep. Only 2 hours remained before sun could rise again. Anusha smiled to herself, Aditya is a synonym of sun, and her sun might not shine, ever again.
She knew, her phone won't ring again that night, or any other night. It was over. Suddenly.

Cadaver of Truth

2010-09-26T15:55:00.001+05:30

You think I am wasted. He thinks I’m wasted. She thinks I’m wasted.
Even my cheap 2 bucks worthy cigarettes think I’m wasted.
Well, I am not wasted.
Because I know the truth you have been hiding from.
I manicure the claws of the darkness.
I repeal the lies of life you live within to find happiness.
Come, face your skeleton-old disease.
Cry, ‘cause there’s no mercy; twisted tales of humans remain.
Smile, ‘cause I give you the chance to enjoy the last show.
Fear, ‘cause I know something you don’t know. You will NEVER know.

Pixie in chains, she can't fly anymore.

2010-09-16T21:50:00.004+05:30

When that fat woman poked me hard in the train-crowd with her wet umbrella, did she really want to break my rib-cage?
I hope she had poked me in the heart and killed me -_-

Why do those lousy guys look at me on the street as if I’m a roasted piece of meat?
I wish they were cows, so I could make beef steaks out of them and relish those cruelly!! <_<

Life’s sometimes melodramatic, sometimes too dull and sometimes just Nothing.
I never wanted to “NEED a fag and not be able to find one bloody ~~cigarette~~ in my bag”.
But it happened. And I don’t wanna stop it. Can’t fagging kill faster? Plz plz?

I love that paanipuri-wala bihari uncle outside of my college gate. He gives me a free paanipuri every time I ask for while passing by.
Would he be sad if I die? Who knows who knows??!! =/

I wish my ~~mom~~ doesn’t text me…gah!

Two of my closest buddies have fallen in love with me! Arrgh…why?
I hate it when they loose control over themselves and tell me how they love me. Please don’t love me. No no…not you.
Because the ONE I love doesn’t love me.
And I hate when I can't love them back.
... Where is he now?
HE came; he made me feel that I didn’t love my boyfriend [Yes, I didn’t, that way; now he is Ex-bf]; He made me fall for HIM, told me he loves me; and now I can’t do without HIM; I love HIM without a reason, I do; but guess what? HE doesn’t, may be. HE isn’t taking my calls, and I don’t know why!
Why do they always come to kill me more inside? Am I that bad?
I know you would say NO, but still….does it really make a difference?
'Cause at the end of the day, I don’t have what I want.
Every time I click my camera, every time I put the hot noodles in my mouth sitting with friends in canteen, every time I drench in the rain, every time I walk bare foot on the wet grass in college ground, every time I log into facebook, I think of HIM, I miss HIM.

“I live my life in misery,
I’d sacrifice this world to hold you…”

I liked the beer I had yesterday. I fell in love with the empty green bottle of beer; wanted to bring it with me. But I didn’t, because I should not.
Then why can’t I leave you behind in a moment like that beer bottle when I shouldn’t love you?

P.s.- Pratik got an awesome “Alice in Chains” poster with his latest copy of RSJ [Rock Street Journal] mag. He gave it to me in the pub in cost of me not wanting share of his beef steak. It’s looking nice on my cello-tape stained wall… But why can’t I still smile?

That blue light scares me as my dreams are in ruins

2010-09-12T16:24:00.002+05:30

"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying. "

....And what if I die tonight in the dark because of infinite loneliness?
I’m buried alive. Can’t breathe.
Come take my heart, kill me, give me peace.
It’s been so long since I have seen the sky, touched the rain and walked on the city street…
Or was it just yesterday?
The world spins faster; I try to hide under my bed, doped with music, high with smoke…
An eerie ambience in my room as I sit at the corner…Pink Floyd keeps on playing for me… and that blue light…that little shuddering blue light in the dark room… it keeps on dancing even when my eyes are closed… I feel numb… I rummage in my head for appeased sense… it’s gone!

"Welcome to my life

You see it is not easy

But I'm doing all right,

Welcome to my dream

It's the only one who needs me

And stays right by my side..."

As We Stand Together

This fairytale has gone bad!

2010-09-05T01:07:00.001+05:30

"We can’t cry the pain away
We can’t find a need to stay
I slowly realized there’s nothing on our side..."

And once again I have fucked it all up…….
The awesome ME.

Today was the worst of all these days… Had pissed a person I loved at the midnight, missed tuition at morning, went to the suckiest college departmental fresher’s welcome party, went to another tuition, got home fucked up and slept all the evening.
Every time I think that life’s gonna change, it gets stuck and makes me wanna throw up because of that old smell of misery.
I’m lonely again. Better to say, I realized I’m lonely as every-single-fucking-thing has been just a pretention.
I love my friends, I do. But at the end of the day I can’t breathe easy. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
I know I’m gonna survive, by tears or by strength, I will.
But I don’t wanna die inside like this.

All I want is… someone to put the hand on my shoulder and make me feel life’s worth living.

I wish I were invisible.
I wish I could be like THEM.
I wish I were a heartless bitch.
I wish I could die without pain.
I wish.

No, not suicidal much. Just a lil unwell.

Crumpled words of mind

2010-08-28T00:51:00.000+05:30

Life is treacherous, like the moon’s spell

Cause we have to live and die another day…

Love is a metaphor, a red bird without mercy

It chases you to take the causeway to death

Don’t dream in a borrowed room wasting your breath

Life is longer than love, hold hands and stay…

Stay like the smiles in the photographs you took

Or the wonderful lines in that old book

Paint a pebble in your morning blues

No more conspiracy of spite, spineless filthy wishes

Stumble upon a doormat and dream of gumball rain….

Something I clicked and edited :)

[Click for full view plz]

I talk cause I can =/

2010-08-25T23:37:00.004+05:30

And I officially hate my college people. Yay. No, that sucks. -_-

Sometimes it's just not me, someone else is acting in Life's drama.
Who's she? O_o
But who ever she is, she saves me from a lot of trouble I could get into.
Such as calling some people's name or arguing with our Hitler-like-professor.

And FB chat sucks too.
err... irrelevant!
but it really does anyway =/

So, I am stuck with life again.
Sometimes I try to break free by trying to swim in a glass of vodka with lame attitude on my ass-face and a cheap cigarette sticking out from it .
And when I get out of pub, I find out my mom's painting exhibition is held at the opposite footpath. And I run.
*phew*

And what am I doing with a boyfriend half-a-country away?
I want him here, I want to fight with him, love him like anything and hug him when I am weak(which I am most of the times).
Laayife iz totaaal shiyat.
err....let me translate for tube-lights - "Life is total shit".
Oh...and now you know that my lameass is soooo secxaay!!
xD

There was a time when I used to have loads of crushes. After being unable to switch on a supposed charm in me, I let them go, my hands down. That charm is back in me. But yeah, I don't have a crush on anyone anymore.
There was a cute guy in out college, senior one. I asked Debdeep to go and talk to him casually and know his name trickily.
The thing went something like this -
Deb: Bhaaiya aapka naam kya hain?
The cute guy: Anish. kiu?
Deb: Nothing...My friend was asking for this info...
*points at me standing at a distance with big dumb eyes and idiotic expression*
The cute guy: *dumbstruck*
Me: *Smiles like a dying fish and runs away*

Awesome, ain't it? <_<

Die with me tonight

2010-08-22T23:45:00.010+05:30

The whine of sorry rainbows
All around to grab us tight
Are you afraid of sorrow?
Living is dangerous darling,
Die with me tonight.

The toxin of mind that’s weak
Spineless thoughts of nothingness
Are you afraid of silence?
Loneliness is dangerous darling,
Die with me tonight.

The darkest fear of losing it all
When everything ends in a stroke of time,
Are you afraid of death?
Living is dangerous darling,
Die with me tonight.

yes. another bad attempt at poetry. pardon me. -_-

written for Sunday Scribblings: http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/

One More Time

2010-08-20T00:04:00.001+05:30

Let’s just one more time
Hold hands and stand
On that foggy mountain crest.
Let’s just take one more look at this world,
Out of our so called circus of life.
One more time, leave the car behind
And walk on this empty road
With me, looking at the stars.
For just one more time,
Stand under the pouring rain
Feeling the cold under your skin,
Listening to that song
We used to sing along.
For just the last time’s sake,
Laugh with me your heart open,
Cry with me your heart broken, tonight.
For the memories of us together,
For the love that lies dead under –
Let’s pretend, let’s pretend we’re alright…
And just when I fall asleep –
Silently, kiss me the last goodnight.

Smile another day...

2010-08-18T20:50:00.000+05:30

She

And I will smile another day, just like today, to show the world I'm not weak...
And someday I'll climb higher than this, smiling, until you all break me down...

Make a cup of tea. blah.

2010-08-16T21:56:00.002+05:30

You wake up in a bad morning wishing you should have died last night, and you make a cup of tea.
You feel miserable about being miserable all along, and you make a cup of tea.
Your parents forbid you from everything you want and deserve, such as internet, guitar, hang outs, meeting your best friend, and you make a cup of tea.
The world spins fast intentionally to make you throw up, and you make a cup of tea.
Wow.
I feel so miserable. I feel like I’m doomed to be destroyed. Something is wrong…it’s like something has died in me. Or is it me? Chasing my own soul? Am I paranoid or what? Oh god..! I guess soon I will be joining the world of official insanity.
Wait… I need a cigarette… eek parents are home. Fuck.
*pardons my own stupidity*
Other than that, can you believe I cried the whole noon because I had read a sad novel over again which I had had seen as movie long before! Damn, I’m so screwed. Oh, now I should make a cup of tea for myself. It feels good anyhow.
You screw up your life and walk on the way of psychosis; and you make a cup of tea.
However thank you Cecelia Ahern. <_<

P.S.~ I miss my mp3 player. it's dead *Sheds Tears*
:(

A world of You & Me

2010-08-13T00:35:00.000+05:30

Trying to find a brewed day in a locked closet of the giant who is long dead.
Eerie thoughts of a crooked mind haunts the other side of me.
Warmth of sex is all we want. Runaway brides of the worst groom called Life.
Love, reality, pain, death of dreams inside the head.
It’s all in my socks, your truth, my truth, hiding away.

But sometime living is not that bad. Put the lonesome, creepy and awkward moments aside.
So while I have my coke, I will scribble down something important. Important to me. Things I wanna say to YOU. And might also want to say Thank You because you made my life livable.

Dear Boyfriend, I love you. I really do. Not because how you look, how cool or intelligent you are (though you have those qualities :P) , but because you care for me, understand me and make me feel like I deserve to be loved. Our 4 years of friendship was great. Hope the coming years would be too. I know you don’t understand my creepy little evil side of mind, but I don’t want you to. And I don’t blame you. Because at the end you forgive me, instead of the jerkish things I do. That’s one of the best things about you. You are a damn sweet guy with a sexy voice. And I trust you, a lot, I know you won’t break it. Love me always, the way you do. You are the best <3 and so is your i-pod :P

Dear Best friend, you are the best thing I have got to survive from the darkness of life. You are my twin soul. We think alike about nearly everything until it comes to Beef steak and Football teams. Lol. You know me the way no one else knows. You rock. And I love you Bumhead. And that has nothing to do with you giving me the future job even if I cut bad marks in exams. Haha. I know you would never leave me. And yes, we will finish that story, someday…someday. This little stupid Fishy will always be Bumhead’s best friend. No one else can take your place. WE \m/

Pratik, Arka, Rakesh: My bestest bad buddies. I simply can’t live without you guys. Trust me. My venture in metal music, cigarettes and booze is absolutely because of Pratik. You are my Gurudev. Rakesh, remember the movie and the DAYS we had? Arka, talk to me, call me names, cheer me up! Killer Drummer aka Stixx :D …My Vodafone night talk buddies are- you. You people make my life enjoyable. Thank you ^__^
Be there, always. Love you guys. You people rock.

Debdeep, Swagata: Without you college life would have sucked. You are the best groupies I ever had. Debdeep, let’s go smoke a ciggy together? :P
And what about free panipuri Swagata? Hehe. Love you guys. You make the tiring college days fun. Thanks for being my friend.

...And some virtual friends, I can’t name all of you, But I miss some of you. Truly. You people have always been able to take away my loneliness. I am grateful to you. Thanks Ananya, Harry, Sunny, Veena, Alan, Muizz, Sapna, Dipasha, Viggy, Nishar, Devina and many more I havn’t named… but yet, thanks again.
:)

Train torture

2010-08-06T13:32:00.001+05:30

A new life has started. It is called the college life.
A life I have never known. A life out of the cold-dark-cozy corner of my room.
Hanging out with friends at malls, going for movies to smoking on the opposite footpath of 5 star hotel and drinking in a pub, I mark them as the real memories of this new life.
Err...I am studying too in case you get me wrong.
Now I can steal the camera to get real pics. Not only snaps of my damned face.

But there comes the evil part.
Yes. You have read it right. Evil. Painful. Torture.
I am a lazybum. I can't afford to get up early in the morning to catch bus to college. The local train only takes 15 mins. So I opted for it. First day you feel like you are in a great rush, everyone is pulling you and thrashing you. Day by day it gets worse. They kick you, push you with their fat butts, drench you in their sweats, gift you body odor, scratch your skin, pull you hair, call your names and at last give you a big headache for the day.
That is the local train ride.
I hate it. Truly-madly-deeply.
Yet I have to endure it. Every Single Fucking Day.

But I survive. Because some people love me.Because some people care for me.
Because sometimes little fights make you stronger.
I will soon come up with some nice photographs. Have been out of touch from blogging for quite a long time. Never mind my bad writing skill.
Adios.
:)

And the muffin said Hi.

2010-06-23T12:30:00.000+05:30

Finally it’s raining xD
It’s raining on me from the heaven of solace.
I guess the god of seasons reads my blog. So summer went away after I told it to do so in my blog.
Ha ha. I am so lame.
And I am still that worn out sadistic soul. But there is a change.
My life is changing, too fast to stop and think what to do.
So I am just going with the flow.
I have got in St. Pauls CM College in Kolkata with Economics Hons.
I like the college. Classes will start from 7th July. And I am quite happy about stepping into a new world where none knows me yet. I am starting over again and hoping for the best.
So, the bottom line is that a change has come and probably it’s going to change my confined life big time. Then why not change the place where I have been opening up all the times? Yes, I am talking about this blog.
No more the emotional fool, hopeless romantic, doomed kid in me will whine.
I will change. For better or worse, but I will. I have to live with the soul burning real world of wrath around me. And guess what? I will survive. Trust me on that.
Gonna be 18 on Thursday. Yes, one more step towards death.
Here comes another wasted life, penniless being, disgusted mind, sore hearted, music freak and mentally retarded female.

Rain on Me
Rain on me
Just rain on me.
Mend my heart,
Stitch the scar,
Bring me back my
Long lost star.

Rain on me
Just rain on me.
Soothe the hurt,
Chill the blaze,
Merge the heart
With love and rage.

Rain on me
Just rain on me.
The rain of longings,
The rain of faith,
Wash away the pain
Before it’s too late.

Summer Summer Go away!

2010-06-21T21:06:00.000+05:30

ME: I don’t need you. I don’t want you.

You have had your fair share of fun.
Now would you please get away?
I sweat. My face gets red. The sun is a ruthless heartless brat. He pours the scorching hotness on us.
And who’s the partner of that brat?
Summer Summer with an ass big and fat.
People stink. They make you stink too if they are jealous of your deo which is keeping you nice smelling.
Well, humans who go by public transports packed like sardines, they know this saga of living like a smelly piggy.
I am scared to hell of going out in the sun. The noon time is the death time.
This bloody summer is also friends with pimple, rashes and yadda yadda…. Arrgh.
And it’s pouring in south India. All my friends living there brag about it like whales. Err…do whales brag? I dunno :P
But I want rain. Rain makes me feel alive :D
Rain on me, plz rain on me?
Wise Man: Oh godadamnit kid! Shut the fuck up. You amaze me with your good-for-nothing quality.
ME: Sorry. I disgust myself. :(
Wise Man: At last something sensible…!

A Nobody from Nowhere

2010-06-11T19:58:00.000+05:30

There is a scary emptiness. And there is a hole in my heart that I want to fill.
……..
Life has always been a bitch.
There is no use blaming it.
But there are people to be blamed. The blame of making me feel miserable, blame of hurting me and yadda yadda.
But the first person to be blamed is ME.
Life’s just a punishment for what I do. And it’s fair that way.
I am crying over a person who doesn’t even care if I live or die.
I am feeling terrible because I thought we were going to be great friends, but he threw me outta his life due to a goddamn lame joke of mine.
Yes, I always love wrong persons. Every fucking single time.
The problem is here – “I love people very easily”.
And according to me, love for a friend is more precious than the love for your lover.
It sucks.
Most of the times, I scream around my head that no one understands me.
That’s true.
But the tragedy is that, the people who understood me most, had hurt me the most.
Have a laugh at me. I deserve it.
I am a big time loser and a fool too.
I never had good friends in the world I live in. So I roamed around internet in search of it. I picked up real good people to be my friends. And there came a time when I started believing that I couldn’t do without them and they loved me so much.
LOL.
Everything faded. The face of the reality was cruel and ugly.
There isn’t a single person in my contact list whom I can call up and say “I am sad”, and cry and speak my heart.
There are some of them, they say they care. But no one cares. Take my word on this.
They can’t. Everyone has a life. Not all are useless like me.
I have to poke them, buzz them, and yes then they would remember this creature.
Every time I try to hold on to a person, he/she just throws me away. Not literally, but like – avoiding, ignoring and excuses… blah blah.
I am just alone. There is a scary emptiness. And there is a hole in my heart that I want to fill. But it’s vacant… since my last best friend left me, it has always been vacant. And now I know that I have to live with it. I have to live being a Nobody from Somewhere. That’s my life.

Through The Eye of The Storm

2010-06-03T15:01:00.000+05:30

I stood in the eye of the storm,
The wrath of the world crawling around;
Flock of dust blinded my soul…
A soul doomed to core of soreness,
A life that has nowhere to go…
The thunders bounded me,
They flashed, they growled
Like dragons from the faraway dark world.
But blind were my eyes like my existence,
Too numb a body to hear anything…
The time passed by as I stood
Right in the middle of my ruins.
Moments paused as earth moved no more
The breaths stood still everywhere
It was time the demons came out
The demons of you and me
We locked them deep down inside
But the fate had chosen them to come out
Because the love lived no more,
The pain had died away somewhere
Only silence remained, the silence of life
And we couldn’t bear it anymore…
It all came down, no verve stayed there;
The end to all our furies and odium…
Empty city streets resided alone
Waiting for footsteps in sun and rain…
The world spanned again in circle of eras;
I stayed as the watcher had to stay
To tell the story of all the times –
In the eye of the storm, alone and strong.

Confession of a fly on the wall

2010-06-02T17:54:00.000+05:30

“Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me…”
May be it’s time that I should write about Him. Because he would be gone in a month… for years…and he would take a piece of my heart with him. Let us call him Akash, as he needs a name.
Just when I was learning to love, to care again… He went away.
Just when I was starting to stay awake at night waiting for a sms… He went away.
Just when I was trying to put back my broken life together… He went away.
….And he unknowingly left a blade-scar on my wrist. But the scar in the swollen heart is far deeper and no band-aid can fix it. However, no one can see it across my brave-face.
He came like a drifting wind in my life and just in one month that wind engulfed me. And now the wind is blowing in some other direction, in a moment it would leave me in uncertainty of life.
To the irony, he is a Cancerian (zodiac sign) too; another Cancerian is shattering my heart. Wow. Oh, did I mention that even I’m a Cancerian?
Our hanging out and bike riding plans are still due, and would be forever may be. I know, may be he would come back from abroad after his studies are over, but this would never be the same again. Never.
I cried – a lot. But couldn’t tell anybody. I am afraid. Afraid of the thought of ending up like a fool again. Because he tells me, “She’s one of my good FRIENDs.”
It hurts. Because Akash would never get to know – how much I loved him, how much I cared for him. It’s just all over.
But I am happy. Happy for him because he is getting out of his self-destructive life and aiming for a goal. That’s what I always wanted. May be not like this, still.
It’s just that he got to know all about this yesterday and he is leaving today. Awful and awkward. Not even a last time hug is possible, too late. My parents are with me. That is enough of a cause why I can’t go and see him off at the air-port.
Another story died in the dark of night. And all I can do was to cry.
I am not going to see those drunk-in-pain eyes and awesome-cigarette-throwing skill for a long, long time.
Take care friend. Love you always.
Yours …

----I am the fly, the wall is his life----

Bwhahahaha. take the truth!

2010-05-24T22:12:00.001+05:30

Smarty-pant: Oh there you are! Why are you trying to get to me?
Jackass: I want something…
Smarty-pant: Everyone wants something; and now what’s it that you want from me?
Jackass: I want the truth.
Smarty-pant: huh? What??
Jackass: I seek the ahemm….The Truth!
Smarty-pant: What are you? Nuts? People want money, girls, car... and…and you want what? – Truth aye?
Jackass: Those things can be earned. But I seek truth. I can’t earn it or find it. Or may be I’m too of an idiot to find it. So I want you to tell me truth.
Smarty-pant: Well, under the circumstances, that it won’t cost me anything, it’s okay. Ask what you want!
Jackass: Thanks. What is it that you do?
Smarty-pant: Huh? Me? I do the job of mortal God for this mortal world.
Jackass: Why people like black so much nowadays?
Smarty-pant: Because it is the shadow for the truth you seek!
Jackass: Why people like Obama so much?
Smarty-pant: Oh they do, they do! That’s why such an image was made. It is the best creation of America’s political plans, you see. And the people you’re talking about, 80% of them are victims of the tickling of racial sentiment. Do you know, still in Iraq …ahem…forget it! Next?
Jackass: Let’s move to India. What’s this crazy IPL thingy?
Smarty-pant: It’s Idiot’s Premium League boy. A delicious money-shake of madness-skin-glamour and yes, cricket they say.
Jackass: Why is Rizwan Khan an ideal character?
Smarty-pant: Because he is 100% of fictional person. Ha ha…
Jackass: Let’s have a rapid-fire round now?
Smarty-pant: Whatever.
Jackass: Where does the spirit of Young Hindustan lies?
Smarty-pant: Not in one place. It is shown many where, such as the passion for the Pepsi can, Ranbir’s sexy look, girls in minis, y’know!
Jackass: What makes us smarter, more attractive or bold?
Smarty-pant: Obviously a perfume or deo you dimwit!
Jackass: What are these Marashtriya Navanirman Sena?
Smarty-pant: They took the wrong name. It’s the Nava-barbadi Sena.
Jackass: What is the mantra of Indian politics?
Smarty-pant: It’s all under the table.
Jackass: Is India really a secular country in practical?
Smarty-pant: Secular? India? Phew. I didn’t know. May be they needed some good adjectives to glamour the constitution, eh?
Jackass: How would I know? You are the Smarty-pant!
Smarty-pant: Ha ha haa… yeah right! Anything else?
Jackass: Yes. Can you tell me what makes us brave?
Smarty-pant: Mountain Dew boy, do the dew!
Jackass: Oh! I thought something else. But one thing…
Smarty-pant: What?
Jackass: Why did you tell me these things? These industrialists, political person and all those people are your men. It can harm your reputation.
Smarty-pant: Your name is just so perfect for you, y’know? (leans forward towards Jackass) I told you because none would ever believe you. Got it Mr. Truth-seeker? Bwhahahaahaha!

From my boring thought-land...

2010-05-22T11:25:00.001+05:30

The silence of the days put my restless heart in an ease; or is it the uselessness of life, the lack of incidents and slow hours that bring no thought or feeling in me? Nothingness is unbearable, yet there is nothing to bear. May be we all want to have any cause that we can live for. Is this all happening as the cause can’t be found in my life?
And still, there are questions, so many of them, I can’t count. But whom to ask? I can’t ask, being too afraid of ending up as a fool. And I know these questions have no answer in most of the cases and however they won’t let me live in peace. Define the peace I search for. Well, I don’t know that too. I just want to get rid of the lump in my throat, trying to get me chocked to death.
Back to questions, such as this one – Why I still cry at the middle of the night and end up blaming You for it? Is it about you, is it?? Even hating you isn’t enough. I don’t hate you, don’t love you either. Because I loved an image of you that was fake and long gone. Or was it not? It’s just that you are not gone yet and I solemnly want to let you go.
But may be it isn’t about you. May be I made you up as a cause to blame on as I needed one. And May be I’m too scared to step into the reality; is it so? I think it’s not really sane to bleed tears without any cause being an insomniac. Or may be there is a cause I can’t make out. It’s so complicated. Is it the darkness? The pain of isolation? Or is it because it’s been a year and a half since someone has hugged me gently to make me feel alright?
Then that feeling came out of the dark. The feeling of bloody Nothingness. It gets on my nerve, everything seems meaningless and out of place. And what’s so good even if I possessed the whole world then? All meaningless. However with this, sometime comes the fear of being forgotten in the sands of time. And finally I accomplice the heights of lunacy - enough to get into a real madhouse. I bleed; literally.
They say I resent the soreness of reality and it’s time for me to have a reality check. But I don’t need that goddamn thing. I know how to handle the fucking reality that is ready to tear me apart. All I need is some support, any sort of love, y’know! It’s just that I can’t truly accept the absence of “forever and ever” happy endings in lives. When I get real sad connecting myself with Catherine Alexander and cursing my favorite Sheldon for not getting her back to Bill, my elder cousin advices me to grow up from the world of ‘Mills and Boons’ or else leave Sheldon. Either of them is right now impossible for me. So I just kinda sit alone and write a blog post. That’s the finish line of my spirit.

somethings you might like after my boring talks ---- (click on the pics to see it large.)

I don't have a gun.

2010-04-20T17:36:00.000+05:30

But I wish I had one. Cause I truly-madly-deeply want to kill some people.
Too obvious, isn't it? We all do.
But not everything is so obvious.
Like I didn't know - I would suck in 12th boards. I also didn't know that I would fall in love with a guy 1 week before my boards and say yes to his proposition and... what I actually didn't expected, but I did is dumping the guy just after the day my exams ended.
The great me.
wow.
Then I got so happy that I bought 4 tops, one pajama for summer tortures and ate a lot. Life is beautiful being single. It's good to know you have none to shove his tongue in your mouth.
I'm recently in love with my fridge, water bottle and fan ofcourse.
And I have succeeded in being realistic, the thing I needed to do.
I'm done.
Yes I am. I destroyed my dreams, virginity of my lips and my flat tummy.
Hopeless. And yes, the typical me.

very well, lets take a look at my eyes, and what do you see?
...
An old man on platform number 2, under his closed shabby hut like Pan-shop, eating lunch brought from home. Look closer....what do you see in his tiffin-box? rice....closer...a small quantity of vegetables....well, come to a conclusion - he is practically eating boiled rice with salt. My India.
I came back home, rejected the offer of hot noodles from mom and went to bed tired with an empty stomach. I will try someday, how does it feel to eat boiled rice with two pieces of potato in hot summer noon on rail-station.
I will.

peaCe~

Bang! I'm not back!

2010-02-27T21:15:00.000+05:30

Thanks for missing me, and not missing me :P

well, I had been dead for a while and will be till April.
But hell! I missed you all so much T_T

Specially - Dips, Annu, Viggy, Veena, Devina and so many others that I don't have time to mention!!!

just got online after 1 month and it's quiet hard to leave it in 5 mins <_<
understand please :/

and yeah, I spend these days quiet being dead. But still, i laughed watching two old men messing up while feeding their new birdy, I took some take-pride-in type of photographs and writting a lil novel which is in need of a good grammar checker.
So you see, I lived, not being a hopeless.
Thanks once again for wshing me good luck and pardon me for such a bad post.
See you soon :)

-Aritry

So, is it the goodbye?

2010-01-30T13:36:00.000+05:30

I am pissed inside.

wow.
why?
because I'm sneaking in my friend's house for the internet which I was supposed to get at dad's expense!

Well, now sitting on the same chair with my friend, [because her lazyness is too high to bring another one], I'm feeling hopeless .__.

Anyways, the main thing is that I'm not gonna come anymore in this place of my own for my semi-meaningless scribblings.
Then I thought I might just want to let my buddies here, to know that I'm really gonna miss them.
Dipasha, Viggy, Anu, Veena, Nik and AD u people and ur blogs would be the missing elements of my life.
:(

I'm also gonna miss Adrita's blog and Deeganto's arrogant or inttelectual words too.

Will be back after boards, in May.
Stay with me still then.

Now I just don't want to feel alone.
So, these days, 'The Godfather'(The book )would accompany me.
Wish goodluck to me :)
I hope you all 12th graders do nice in board xams.
Good bye. take care.

.

Stop crying your heart out...

2010-01-28T22:48:00.003+05:30

"Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out"
-Oasis

I have been listening this song for the whole evening.
It makes me feel weirdly hollow But somehow gives me so much strength somewhere.
I just couldn't stop listening it and the listening number crossed 10 times may be. :/

***********

A letter a couldn't stop writing:

No-more-so-dear Rockstar,
I hope you don't get to read this. But you should.
I unintentionally stumbled upon your blog today. I never knew you came to blogging, though it happened recently.
But I couldn't resist myself from reading your posts.
I was confused. I was dumbstruck.
Because there I found the same old you.
But it was so clear that you were changed. It was so easy to fall in hatred with you.
Why does it seem now that I could be wrong?
Tell me I wasn't. Cause you broke me into so many pieces inside.
That is just what I never showed.
I really don't know. I don't trust you anymore.
Do you really mean what you write? How can you still have that gentle and understanding image for the world?
Do you pretend to me and others? Or you pretend to yourself?
Was I so damn wrong in judging you previously?
Because you betrayed. I couldn't be wrong again. No way.
But why do you still seem the guy I fell for in your writtings?
Or are they pieces of your drama?
I wish they are. I wish from the core of my heart. Like I wished before that "He couldn't be bad".
I can fail again. can I?

I don't think of you anymore. You are so out of my life.
I just wish I had not seen your bloody blog.

Because, I Can't. ever. forgive. You.

- Raindrop
--------------------------------------------------------

Listen to this song. This is just so awesome!

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

rain rain on me xD

2010-01-27T15:42:00.002+05:30

I was bored.
And my heart was changed.
My thoughts were scattered.

So somewhere in me something changed.

This blog is no more "clarity amidst insanity".
It is something else.

It is like thought bubbles flying around, it is like my first paper boat sailling by, it's like the best photo I have ever taken.
It's like a life in diary.
It's like "Rain in a paper cup".

So, the zist is that, I changed te blog appearence, and designed a header for 2 hours and now I'm happy about these all. -_-
Reviews are welcome :D

get your ass on fire bitch!

2010-01-25T21:09:00.001+05:30

Only if I could hate myself to the core, I would have killed me. Hatred towards life doesn't smell too good.
Neither do the sucky life of a fucked up introvert teen tastes nice. No use pretending it's alright!
You want a piece of me? you'll never have that bitch....never!
I would stop writting. Just cut the fingers.
DamN!!!
-----------------------------------
[You can't see this. Boo!]

A life arrived at its end.
Another evening came;
Some smiled, some cried,
Numb hearts still stayed alive…
And days passed by.

A bird flew across the sky,
Banged a gun shot -
Right on the ground it fell and died.
Little birds kept waiting in the nest,
No one ever came by.

Dark are the ways of life,
Hazed with smoke
Of sorrows and cries.
Heartless would survive the battle,
The weaker would die.

No one waits to see the tears,
No one waits to say good bye;
They take a glimpse at your blood
Turning the eyes walk past the roadside,
And if you live, you live alone to cry.

------------------------------------------

Sucky things don't work. But who is going to make me understand?
I'm feeling so pissed, so negative and so paranoid that I could kill somebody <_<
ohgoddamnit! leave me alone!! leave me alone!!
DON'T!
*_*

Lameness Redefined

2010-01-20T00:20:00.003+05:30

Do it.

-I...I can't.

It's your last year in school. Come on, everyone is doing it. Have some pride in your face and culture.

-Both sucks.

Liar.

-No. I just hate Sarees.

No you don't. Liar.

-Stop that. Okay I don't. But I only like them on other bodies, not on mine.

What the hell? I am asking just for once. Tomorrow is the last Saraswati puja cum Bengali valentines day for you in school. Do it. It would be fun. All of the idiots in sarees.

-That's insulting.

It's truth.

-No it's not. You dork, i'll do it. Now go and die. Give me some peace.

**@#drrraaakkk!i#!!**

Mom stared at me with red eyes.
I stared at her with pride.
I won.

"I am wearing saree for the firs time occasionally. I want to wear my favorite color."

"No one wears black on puja days.", Mom said, coldly.

"Good point. Now I obviously would." I smiled, evilly.

"Do whatever you like. Go to hell!"

"excuse me, I'm already in."

I wonder why she didn't slap me!

I could mess it all up, the saree and flirting and escaping thingies.
Oh did I tell that I'm escaping from school with 2 other idiots, means in total 3 idiots, tomorrow on Sarawati Puja to go to my ex-boyfriend's ex-school? No I didn't. But now you know. And I am great :D
Oh, and yes, I wish I won't see my ex-bf there. If I see, I would probably kick him. It's just that their school feeds everyone who goes there. Yeah, I am another hungry fatass!

Photos are coming if I have a luck. I know no one is interested. But still.
You won't feel much weird than I am feeling being wrapped in "Shole" movie's Thakur's Chadar!!
[sorry, but non-Indians won't understand this post :P ]

Get out of that shitty point of view of mine.
Look at this.

What happens when you comment on Degaanto's blog?
[click for bigger view]

He (DeegantO) never comments on my blog until there is something about him. That made it clear to me ONCE AGAIN, here is nothing interesting. I should stop scribbling. But I never do the right thing you know. No shame.

[/lameness]

A tribute to Jyoti Basu

2010-01-17T21:10:00.003+05:30

It is cold day today. I was really cold when I stepped out of my bed. But I didn’t know that this day would bring such a pain to heart.
I was on the phone chattering with my friends and mom was watching the news. It was about 12 pm. suddenly mom came to me with blank eyes and told “Jyoti Basu is no more…”
I turned my eyes to the TV screen and the headlines were enough shocking for me.
My friend asked from the other side “What happened?”
“Jyoti Babu has died…just now”
“Are you kidding? He he…”
“Watch the news idiot”
“What the hell. Wait, I’ll call ya later”
She cut the phone.
I and mom stayed stick to the TV, half-sad, half-feelingless.

That time I finally came to know how I much I idealized this political legend of India and West Bengal.
I have never said anything about politics before as I always kept it apart from my personal life. But it was never apart actually. My whole room is full of posters of Che Guevara along with my favorite bands.
I was born in a political family. Every person in my family is attached with politics. We are communists. And thus I never learned to avoid or hate politics. I learned that it runs a country, it produces the freedom movement. No man can be non-political in a free democratic country. We all are part of it. Some avoids, some takes part and some leads.
Never blame a politician. Blame yourself and fellow people. Because you the people has chosen him to run the country. It is easy to say politics is dirt, but it is hard to come forward and clean it. Yes, remember ‘Rang De Basanti’.

Apart from my speeches, lets come to the point.

Jyoti Basu was a political legend. He was the leader of the communist movement after freedom of India. Jyoti Basu was the son of a wealthy doctor. He went to London to study law. He was motivated there by his professor and writer Rajani Pam Dutta.
When he came back in India, freedom movement was on. He left his bright career of barrister and entered the movement. He was in Marxist party even when it was banned in India. He was the first chief minister of WB after the end of Congress era here. Jyoti Basu was the only one Bengali politician who was to be the prime minister of India, Congress supported him, but he backed off as his party opposed the decision of him becoming the PM. He was elected the CM of West Bengal over 5 times. He never worshipped the power and the thorn. This man was always the people’s man.
Jyoti Basu was the first person to introduce land revision and give lands to farmers and he also started non-paying governmental schooling system. He always told that politics was above the barriers of religions. He was a true communist who believed in Humanism. He served the society for his whole lifetime and even after death, his eyes and body were donated. He gave his everything for the sake of the society. Every leader of every political party respected him and took advice from him whenever needed.
But his personal life was pretty much sad. His first wife died. They had no children. He married again after 6 yrs and had a daughter. She died soon in few days because of illness. Then he had a son who later in life, didn’t share hearty relationship with him.
He was never a victim of any scandal or something bad. He fought for the last day of his life. He was told to be the leader of working class people. The people of west Bengal are greatly moved because of such a loss of this country. May his soul rest in peace.

And, if you don’t know about this person, or just feel a little bit of respect for him, just take a look at the news tonight. He was a man of morals. He met Nelson Mandela, Fiedel Castro etc. He had great communication with Indira Gandhi and Rajiv Gandhi. He was someone who brought Amitav Bacchan to Kolkata to see him in the Hosp.

Thank you for reading.

With Castro. ^

Did you recieve a letter?

2010-01-16T22:19:00.001+05:30

Dear Dirty Heart,
Why are you so numb? You say you don’t need warmth, you say you don’t need light; yet you seek out for little comfort. But why? Why this pretending, why this hide n’ seek game?

I know you have been broken way too many times, autumn leaves bring no hope now, raindrops don’t leave dreams. But still you love to live.
Why do you do it wrong again and again? Why don’t you learn from your mistakes? Learn it now, love is just another mistake. Don’t fall for the cute face, the innocent eyes, the temptation of comfort, they are all lies.
Don’t you remember the old days, the dirty truths, the broken promises? Didn’t you believe them then? Why do you still believe, moron!
No, don’t go to them asking for care, love or even a hug. They live to make you stone, another handy robot. They are all the same. No mother no father, bunch of bloody human androids.
So silly you are, don’t rummage through your world like that. It’s fake, it’s empty; there is nothing you can find loser. Look, what have you done to yourself? Grow up. It’s time to change yourself. Be like those who walk on the street, straight and bold, don’t hide behind daylight, and come out in the world of night. My dear, it is the Life.

Tell me why, just why do you still cry out for love? Why you still feel the pain when you watch love, yet can’t embrace it? Why? Why?
Don’t get lost in the meaningless pain. Don’t waste your tears upon old fatal lies. Stop believing. Be selfish. Be materialistic. Learn from them. I know you would learn to Live. You have to.
Just don’t keep longing and dreaming. It’s spoiling you dear.
Take care. Forget the new crush. It’s all a hallucination of your critical mind.
Be safe.

- Your Well-wisher.

Pineapple Head

2010-01-11T23:56:00.001+05:30

Pineapple Head could be a cute synonym of Egg head, I thought and called one my classmates that. She thought I abused her.
WTF?

Yes. That is coming from a teenager who gets extremely happy at 3 am, after completing sucky projects, just because she found out that her new pen and its ink smells like Pineapple. She wanted to share this wonder and found everyone sleeping. SO she went to sleep with a happy shippish heart too.
Guess who?
Yeah right, it's me.

I finally discovered in last 2 days that I don't like writing diary now.
Why?
Because I don't feel anymore.
No hatred, no love, nothing.
I'm just so feelingLess. Please tell me I'm not the only one.
Oh god ke bache, where has all the good things gone?
Fuck! <_<

Concentrated Sulphuric acid Burned my whole teenage. Now it's burning my feelings.
But think in the other way...you won't get hurt easily. Ain't that good?
Say yes, please.

And I don't know why the heck life is being so complicated. Or I'm making it so?
I went to my ex-bestfriend's Bday party today and HER friends left soon after my arrival. Oh no, I didn't disgust them I was just late. :P
So I didn't feel awkward at all. It was 3 nice hours with tasty foods. xD

Now I'm feeling like I should go and kill my so called physics teachr for being nice to for just once, just when I was planning to insult her in public.

Beat that now! Bleh.

Yes, I am the Pineapple Head actually.
Have anything to say about that?
Don't.

"Give me some sunshine, give me some rain,
Give me another chance, I wanna grow up once again"

I need some contrast

2010-01-11T02:23:00.001+05:30

Who is this?
Obviously the blog owner.

The words sound so heavy?

Okay, here is a very uncommonly common girl in the crowed trying to scribble the gibberish she talks and thinks with a filthy and lusty mind and waits for people to read her scribbling.
She totally sucks.

Trust me on this. You can neither love her to the core nor hate her to the core. She is so unpredictable and every time she tries to do something, she ends up being a dorky loser.
So why are you still reading?

Oh. Don’t run away now. I won’t bite.
At least I am better than those people who long for a retired and old and nice Prime Minister to die on a working day, so that the could enjoy a HOLIDAY.
What a pathetic thought!

Now you are probably thinking what a useless piece of skin I am, doing nothing and criticizing others. Bleh.
I know that I have my practical exam tomorrow morning and I have got a whole project file to complete and I should be writing Data Structure programs instead of writing blog entry. But then I thought that I am pretty much drowsy now, so I would probably write wrong things in project file, and my parents are asleep with the happy thought of me studying and I am not really allowed to sit before the computer and type on keyboard…So I’m just taking some time of my own. I believe a lot on my classmates and I am now counting on them to pass the exam as I’m totally able to flunk in computer programming >.<

You know what else is up? I’m in high fever [not so high now though] and I tried to call a FRIEND for the bliss of my talkative nature and because I missed him also, but the DORK didn’t pick up the phone. Bah!

Peace out now. I know you want to. I gotta read some blog entries by my blogmates now :P

And yeah, listen to this track for sure - \Give me some sunshine/

Hopes-Dreams-Plans

2010-01-03T23:03:00.001+05:30

What has the New Year bring to this life?
Is it still useless like it used to be back in 2009? Or is it compatible with the new flow…err…cynical new flow of two thousand ten?

Well, I’m no one to decide.

Just wading on the shore and never tasting the drop of sea is what my life has been.

I expect some changes this year. I expect the birth of a new leaf on the dried up dull tree of life. And Sunday Scribblings brought a chance to turn that expectation into words.
I have always been trying to escape from my hometown, this city, country and everything. There is not much scope to step outta the country, but still, I want to runaway from my familiar world.
I love adventure. I never wanted to take a boring job girl life. But my parents and family expect the opposite. Well, it’s my life. I have the responsibility to take care of my parents. But I can’t let them decide my way. I would like to take chances, find challenges in life.
So, I am determined to stand on my own soon. And this requires education and hard work. I’m now ready to give that.
Bohemian life is a dream. It ends soon. But I want to make sure that I can always find a way back home, and pass the life with the one man I would finally fall in love with. Eek, you heard right, somewhere in my heart, I believe in true love. I have to.

I have some things planned to do when I get rid of my high school and step in college. It would be my first step to a new world and making my own decisions.
Let’s get mad.

Love can get you high. Really?
>> I want to walk on a lonely street in a wintry night of Christmas with my Somebody.
>> I want to be kissed for the first time beside the sea.
>> I would like to have an insane booze party on New Years Eve and spend the night with my Somebody.
>> I want to sit on a park bench in any European country in the autumn, hand in hand with the somebody.
>> I want to spend a bitter-sweet summer evening in mountain side taking my somebody’s photos.

Yes. I’m not done yet. But I’m again feeling lazy and dreamy.
;)

So, leaving you here. :P

----------------------------------------------------------------

Image credit: Marta Bevacqua

Another year. just.

2010-01-01T00:11:00.001+05:30

Another new year eh?
any resolutions? Regrets of past?
No expectations? lots of dreams?
what is up with you?
Share with this girl having a boring life :)

btw, Happy New Year xD

And yeah, I have 60 followers now.
But still, 4 comments last post. not even 1/8 . bleh .
Okay, I'm not complaining.cut the crap and cheers. :P

Last post from home. May be.

2009-12-29T23:40:00.003+05:30

Ah! What a pleasure at being where you belong – a dirty place of my own.

A regular Indian TV soap:
A married girl is crying before her nice mother-in-law about how she misses her mother and how she never had the love of her mother [oh, she’s dead].
That girl was leaning over her lying mother-in-law’s legs while crying.

I looked at mom. Her eyes were getting wet slowly.
“What if is she farts now?…err it can’t be controlled”, I commented seriously looking at the TV screen.
No answer.
I looked at mom. She was staring at me in such a way that it seemed her eyeballs could fall out of their holes.
It was awkward. So I took my ass off from there and crawled into my room.

It’s been a week since I blogged for the last time.
Wow!
I really feel lazy like hell these days. So much stress, so much pain in the bum. I feel like sleeping all the time at my off-hours.
And another Christmas day passed by. I could come here and whine about how I had the worst Christmas. But I got to visit an amusement park on 26th December and discovered that roller coaster rocks. So no use whining.
And then I finally realized that my internet connection is going to be cut from 1st January as my 12th’s board exams are in 2 months. I didn’t make an issue about it as I want to get rid off internet at this point. Also, dad would keep the phone line working. SO I can keep in touch with Viggy and Dips can also call me.
Yep, they are my best net-buddies ^__^

So, it’s like the last post I’m writing from my home, sitting on this hard wooden chair in front of this pc screen.
But there is still a 5% chance of dad’s being too lazy to contact the broadband office to abandon the connection. But I have to control myself and I’m doing it a bit already.
Even if the internet waves a bye to my pc, I would keep updating the blog once or twice in 2/3 weeks.
I’ll miss reading the blogs.
Pray for me to cut nice marks.
Adios.

P.S.- I'll be posting the photos by me here. If you wanna keep checking them out, you can follow.
Dewdrops n' Other Junks

A photo by me:

Winter's Grace

2009-12-21T17:22:00.000+05:30

I saw a frozen dewdrop on a thorn of a cactus.
"Are you here?", I asked.

"Yes sugar", whispered winter.

I live in a hot city. Snowy hills, white roads and frozen lakes aren't here.
I never glided, I never skated.
But still I love winter. I found a silent grace in Winter's footsteps.
I love it when I'm alone at my balcony at a wintry dawn with my hands under the warm wrapper around me and the city sleeps.

And the nights with frozen stars and cold loneliness.
I love every bit of it.

Winter makes me feel like a lone teardrop. There's something so romantic about it.
Yet, I don't long for some warmth in my cold nights. I want to be hurt, more hurt and alone.
A love for pain winter brings in me.
…I don't know why and how.

1 week passed by.
I woke up being all sweaty and dizzy.
I came out in the balcony; the sun was still beyond the horizon. I closed my eyes and muttered “Are you here?”
No answer.
I asked again, “Are you here winter?”
I smelled something. Oh god, I was perspiring and stinking!!

It’s painful to live the whole year and not taste winter.
It came, slowly, and it was gone before I could take out my woolen sweaters.
Oh come on, how winter can be so...so cold about my feeling towards it and my woolen outfits?
Hey wait….it’s his nature, ain’t it? -_-

I have been to wonderful winter wonderlands, and I love it.
Why can’t it snow here?
I am tired of finding its hidden grace in lanes and corners of this dirty dirty hot city [not really]. But wait, I don’t wanna live here in winter. I want to runaway to a snowy place; I want to sit beside campfire on a mountain side. I want to play in snow, I want to crawl under blankets and warm sheets and enjoy the empty cold afternoons.
I want to live in a house with snow covered top and frosted trees around.
And all I get is a chilly dawn and semi-chilly early morning. Hardly 3 hours. Y_Y

Don’t you ever want to get lost in dark snowy forest of Oaks, Beeches and Pines?
Well, I want and this dream ends up with horns of rickshaws and autos.

And my winter is for sure not silent when I’m with such a noisy pile of humans. I won’t even be surprised if I get waked up by loud farts and unfamiliar family screams <_<

I need to get rid of it ASAP. I’ll score nice marks, take a nice job and escape.
I recalled something just now….

*opens text book in urgency*

--------------xx---------------

Note : The photo is by Niladri.

I dare - NOT

2009-12-20T19:32:00.002+05:30

This week, Sunday Scribblings gave us a dare to write on DARE.
And this is a new remix version of an old poem I'm posting with dare, related to this dare thing which I lack dreadfully!
Did you understand? .__.
I hope not.

The Poem Which Was Never Written
The poem which was never written
Stares at me silently,
Looks at my anxiety without a cause,
My sobbing without any tear,
My dreams with a baloney dare!
She laughs looking at me,
My white blank papers.
I could only tell her some words -
Words which have no meaning at all,
But would it be alright?
Would she be contented with that,
Or would she chase me again?
Does she scare me or she inspire?
Does that poem have a body?
A real figure, smiling lips?
Some love in a little heart n' feelings within?
Whenever I try to grab her-
She disappears;
And when I try to escape-
She chases me!
That poem whispers in my ears
Some shocking lines!
She tells me to write her on those blank papers,
Put radical thoughts in it,
Infuse some dreams of Utopia-
And burn the world with her words...
She is just a stupid, a heck of stupid being -
She doesn't even know that
This puny creature is too fragile to do that!

Dash.

2009-12-17T23:23:00.001+05:30

Clarity. Peace. Serenity.

...I'm rummaging through my messy world for them.
I'm so sucked up. Studies and fatass books are giving me a hard time.
I hope this nightmare ends soon >_<

And you know what? I lack feelings now.
I lack energy, love, likeness, hatred, everything. Just carrying a blank heart. o_o
Satan help me :[

I am being punished for not studying the whole year. damn damn damn!

This time is so-fuck-ing asshole and it's deleting my colorful/poetic/ecstatic/dreamy thoughts.
I no more plan for what I would wear at the first day of college. [boo me]

What is still same is that I miss my cam. So I again borrowd my nerd friend's cellphone which he doesn't use really.
[restricted content]

{{{ I found short a porn video in his cell phone. ew. guys are so sick. but he is good. but he is bad. but most of them are same. sick! }}}

[/restricted content]

[/lameness]

Spoiled thy name is.

2009-12-15T15:12:00.001+05:30

India is in ruins. Fu*k the per-capita income and industrial developments. The crashing base of society can easily be known from everyday's life, news channels and various news articles.
Lets start from the basics.
Err..I'm talking about the moral basics.
Where do they come from? Obviously our home, surroundings and deeds. No, society is not included here. Because we make the society.
Our so called leaders and moderators have forgotten the basics. They are so busy playing with money, power, banning movies, PDA, exposing dresses, that they have forgotten the needs of spreading basic knowledge, morals, good virtues, manners and behaviors.

In case you are bored with my speeches and wanna peek into real life, I'll show you...

A 17 years old girl was walking back to home from her coaching class. She looks a bit younger than she is, may be 15 or 16. It was noon time. Suddenly she heard some boys laughing behind her. She turned and saw 3-4 kids coming behind her. They were hardly 13-14 years old. She didn't care and kept walking. In next few moments she saw one of those kids came beside her and asked her name, she looked at his face, no sign of innocence of 13 years olds, only a tint of cruelty and cheapness. She acted like she didn't hear anything and turned back and kept walking. They followed her for 5 mins, laughing loudly, saying "hey you, stop na?", "She's hot!", "what's your name babes" type of comments.
She was really pissed, so she stopped and turned back, "What is the problem? you kids play your own game. Don't annoy me!"
"Who kid? we?" they grinned cheaply and continued, "At least older than you girl!". One of them came closer to the girl, the girl wasn't very tall, so their eyes met, one pair full of disgust, other pair full of "cheapness"...
"My friend likes you? what say?", he gave that dirty look again.
"You are disgusting! get the hell out of here!" She shouted and started walking fast to reach her nearby house.
They again followed her, singing cheesy songs and shouting like "What she calls us? Kids..ha ha", "She ain't that beautiful, is she?", "Grab her man, really do it!"....so on!
she reached the front of her appartment and stopped, looked at them and said slowly and clearly, "I'm 17. Though I don't feel the need to tell you. Go get your ass off from here and study!"
she went into the appartment.
They stood blankly for a moment and then started talking in undertone, "Did she lied?", "what do you think? She can...", "umm...lets go".
They went away. Nothing else happened.
Really?

....

This is a piece of real life, a truth. Doesn't it matter? Is it enough to be overlooked? or NOT?

Brave is what they call it

2009-12-13T21:03:00.000+05:30

"Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."

~ Mary Tyler Moore

>>She looked through her life, autopsy of long 17 years.
She wanted to see elated moments; she wanted to feel serenity over her eyelids one more time.
But things don’t work out the way we want them to be most of the times.
As the result of the truth upwards, she found despair, betrayal, pain and the feeling of losing grip on good things. She saw the most of the people she loved, have always hated her, have broken her trust into pieces, have taken her advantages, have humiliated her uncountable times.
She stood blankly; love, pain and tears were long gone.
Tell her, she can’t shatter like that. She has a wonderful gift of life. She has food, clothes, shelter, some more people to love. Not everyone on this earth is at least that much lucky.
Show her those beggars, those children in the slums, roadside, and tell her that there are much better things to live for.
Sometime life turns out to be intolerable. But sorrow is the main component of life. If there is no sorrow, you can never find the beauty of joy. May be you are sad today, but have faith on life; you would be happy tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow.
If the start is worst, the end has to be best. Or life would have lost its charm.

Holding on is what helps us to live. Faith is what gives us strength to take another breathe, with the hope that the next breathe may not be poisonous.
Or even if it is, you would never have to regret for not taking the chance after being killed by the worst.

If there is a mountain that can’t be climbed, know that the mountain doesn’t exist. Giving every chance a try is what makes a real worthy life. Because when you die, you would be able to say that your life hasn’t gone to waste and you are not going away without doing anything for yourself and this world. Only then, you would be remembered as what they call BRAVE.

--x--

I'm first time writing for Sunday Scribblings. They gave this topic and this is something I came up with.
I don't know if I made any sense or not.

Think. Can you?

2009-12-09T19:16:00.000+05:30

No, you can't.
At least not what I'm thinking.
Why?
Because I'm not thinking anything -_-

Well, colorless days are hard to tolerate.
So I’m going through a monochromic time, and so do the rest of my mates.
Pre-boards result came out and I sucked.
I knew I would.
So I’m less online now and studying more.
I. am. Great.
And I am going to achieve 80% anyway.

I barely want to cut bad marks and regret for the rest of my life :[

And I really want to talk to Viggy guy. But that sick boy is sick now.
Get well soon. I miss my listener x(

And mom suspected, but couldn’t make out that I broke the camera. Lack of evidence heh! I’m a perfect criminal….bw ha ha haaa!
I want the cam to be fixed soon!
Because – I was sitting on the riverbed of Ganges watching the sun melting in the river and I was holding a manual SLR camera with only one capture left and desparately waiting for a perfect moment to come that I can get my nice shot. Fixing the perfect focus, aperture gave me real headache. Well, I missed my Nikon Coolpix digicam

The most creative thing I do now is this-
I sit in my bedroom with my legs in two different directions and look at my dirtily crafted wall.

Oh, I painted a shitty lamp and it gives nice light effect now xD

I feel too lazy to write now.
I also get a weird feeling and think of being an intellectual looking classic Bengali girl with a poetic look [read cotton salwar-kamij, artistic accessories and specs].

I go mad at times.
Never mind.

I’m clueless about what I’m writing now.
So, never mind again.
:|

Okay now, now take a look at something nice. Mom collected this piece of dead twig few years ago. Just observe its shape. It shapes like a dancer's pose and I find it amazing. Mom's observation power is great. I suck at everything she is good in ...lol xD

P.S.- I love you

2009-12-05T15:14:00.001+05:30

Holding my breath inside
I step outside the door,
I wish I could see you there
standing for me with a bunch of rose.
Downtown I slowly go,
Counting the maple leaves
scattered all along...
Cold dewdrops on the grass blade
Touch my feet gently,
I shiver and think of you.
Siting on a roadside bench
I wonder in the emptiness -
How my dreams are lost within you...
Slowly I sing the song you wrote;
Words are not enough now,
Because There is so much left to tell you. . .

P.S.~ I love you.

.....
I wrote it because of my alter-ego!
She is a hopeless romantic moron.
She lives here --> Bad Pixie's Dane

Voice of a crap producer

2009-12-03T15:43:00.003+05:30

It was paining. I looked at it, a fresh scar on reddish skin, I pressed the skin beside it, tinge of blood came out and I licked it. Ah, the salty taste of human blood, it’s marvelous!

Err…did I mention the blood came out of my wounded thumb?

No I didn’t!

Umm… I don’t know how my right thumb got that lil wound, but it’s painful man, yes it is – when you have to write on your answer sheet for 3 hours <_<

Oh yes, my sucky pre-board exams ended today.

So I’m back with a crap xD

And I’m still humming “Falling into History” and cursing the people who are ruining this world [including ME]…!

Some more crap you want?

Heh, well even if you don’t want, you would get it as you are reading this.

Arre…u still reading?

Thank you thank you :P

Well, I broke the lens of Mom’s [and mine too] digi-cam the day before yesterday.

It slipped. NotmyFault NotmyFault NotmyFault!!!

Anyways, repairing it would cost probably 3000-5000 bucks. *bites lip*

Yes. I know I suck. You don’t have to tell me. Wait there’s more…

I didn’t tell mom about it. I put it back into the bag and put the bag in the place as it was.

When she will open it, she will find it out! And I really won’t admit. I would say that I don’t know anything and may be it got stuck by itself [believe me, that can happen].

As I’m not so much of a good person my deeds are supposed to be like this.

>_<

Now, please don’t come, point your finger at me and advice. Please, don’t.

Because I would remain the same old jerk.

Because I broke that camera once before.

Because I don’t want to listen how I can’t handle things and I screw everything for the half of my life.

Pardon me, but I’m going to commit this crime and no one is getting hurt by this. So just chill out. Okay?

You better be okay!

P.s.- If you like winter in your own way, you can have a look.
|Winter Came|

The last snap I took is this. But I wasn't so bored that I clicked my own eyes, I was making stock photos for DeviantArt. :P

Three Cheers For Sweet Dorks

2009-11-29T19:27:00.000+05:30

How many times are there that you have been humiliated in public or personally?
No. You can’t tell exactly the number of times, because they are so many.
I may sound unfamiliar to some people. But there remain the rest of us, the people who are not so beloved, not so popular and not somebody. I’m speaking for them.
There have been times when I used to be kinda dull and preppy types. I was another ignored, not-so-special, alone and afraid kid in the crowd. Then there came some turns in the road of life that changed me. I’m not telling that I rule now, [not like that I want to]…
But I have changed and changed for the good.

Well, I’m not here to sing my surviving saga.
I just want to scribble the very commonly uncommon feelings that one has.

I wished my life were a better movie. But I can’t complain and sit back, I have to work for it.
And there are numerous kinds of people telling you that you can’t, that you are a DOLT, and that you are good for nothing.
What would happen if we just listen to those useless shit and sit back cursing our fates?
But we can’t. This is our lives and we have to make it the coolest of our types xD
Call me a dork, I don’t care.
Title me as a “Grammatically Disoriented Person” because of my grammatical errors, I won’t stop writing or write even an inch less.
And some people would also say that I can do nothing but put up every little thing in my whiney blog which is barely read by pips.
Again, I don’t care,
I write for myself, and I would keep writing even if anyone reads or not.
Because this is sorta my journal. And oh yes, I have the guts to write everything about myself and anyone can read this. So, I’m not a coward anyway.
And today I feel not ashamed by a single thing; not my height, my broken English speaking power, my shoddy school, nothing….simply nothing!
And even if I am a dork, I don’t mind being one.
I dance around my apartment in pajamas, I eat burgers after operating their tummies, I make weird faces in public, I laugh hysterically in the coolest of the crowds, I point at people and say things loudly in places like Shopping Malls, I like cartoonish curtains, I act like a child at home, I like making bubbles with chewing gum and soap-water, I run on the middle of a road and I lick egg before eating it.
Yes. I am a dork. I am a lazy-bum and I am good at my works.
And I’m a nice human being.
And I hate those who like to hate.
So, if these make me a dork, then I am one.
Feel pride if you are one too.
Three Cheers For Sweet Dorks.

Peace out.

xD

---------------------------------------------------

I made my own cartoon, oh yeah! xD

In The End

2009-11-28T23:17:00.004+05:30

“Water…some water”
I heard a broken voice crying behind me –
Another dying soldier lying on this earth
With a bleeding leg and a bullet in his chest.
Slowly he cried for some drops of life,
I could be the savior or could I not?
At least they say we are the saviors of the country…
So I stepped ahead to bring back a life in dead desert;
And fast came the gift of war towards my heart
And rested within tearing it apart…
Nothing was felt but a soundless pain,
Flowing of blood what I could see, only,
And I fell weakly on my knees…
No more I heard the cry for water,
Not even sounds of guns and bombs…
But there were voices, again and again,
Coming fast and fading away;
Did I hear screams of death or prayers of life?
Or was it the mixed up thoughts of mine?
Reflections of memory went one by one…
I saw the beautiful dusk melted in love,
I smelled fragrance of the fields outside my window,
I remembered the old tree beside my house,
The playing kids in the lane, the bell of recess,
I heard my guitar been played again…
And unknowingly I knew I was going to bed
For my endless sleep and peaceful rest,
I knew I would never touch her hair again,
I knew I was to leave my love, my pains…
And another bullet stroked my leg,
Down I fell on the wet earth, numb and senseless…
It was the time to go, to walk beyond this world,
Away from the morning dews and cold war nights,
In a solitary cell they would call a soldier’s grave.

-------------------------------------------------------

Note: random thought. :|

and yeah, Mr. Owen inspired me a bit.

P.s.- I am so glad that I have 47 followers now. 3 more plz plz!!! :P

Disgraceful Time. wtf?

2009-11-25T13:28:00.001+05:30

Doomed to the darkness of life, she breathed, lived and survived.
^^That be an awesomeness. But I lack that. So forget it. -_-

I really feel very much pissed these days.
Yes, this is the result of stressful exam, fuckingnonsense question papers and my poor studies.
Duh! It has to be.
But this life [read: oh-so-disgusting Mr. Life] is treating me real bad. [I hate him. <_<]
And people are also very nice to me. Really NICE.
The following shits would prove…

Real life broken tandem>
The Hopeless conversation-

Me: You know what? I found someone has stolen the new refills of my two glitter pens. How cheap is that?
Lil Diva: Really? I mean have you checked your room’s mess thoroughly?
Me: damn man! I did. And found simply nothing! Someone must have stolen it. Else how only the refills from the pen would be gone eh?
Lil Diva: When did ya find it?
Me: This morning. Do you have any idea...who could have done it? I can’t even think…zeeez!
Lil Diva: Look, I think I should tell you this. If I don’t tell you I would feel guilty. But don’t think that she has actually done it, okay?
Me: Err…okay!
Lil Diva: ****** [read: a girl’s name] asked me for my glitter pens, but I said that I can’t let her to borrow them. It’s just that. Don’t think that…err…she has done it. Can she?
Me: why not? She is way too cheap. But really, who else can do this? Let’s not talk about it. Okay?
Lil Diva: Yeah, right.
Me: Fuck!

Virtual Life’s grace>
The Smarty-pants Conversation-
[In preferable circumstances]

Me:
You think too high of yourself, believe it or not.
Mr. Smarty-pants:
Nope I'm not the only one.
I know many others too.
They're all awesome.
I am too high.
Why won't I believe it?
Doofus.
Me:
Doofus be you. >_<
You have considered yourself awesome by that. But you are not.
Stop bragging about yourself!
Mr. Smarty-pants:
Why should I stop bragging.
I love bragging and I will continue to do so.
IN YOUR FACE!
Me:
You would get nothing but shits IN YOUR FACE <_<
Mr. Smarty-pants:
Yes.
I already get shit.
Like your grammar for example.
Me:
Stop pointing that out always u pinhead. is that all you have got?
Mr. Smarty-pants:
That's not all I've got.
But that's enough.
Me:
No, it isn't.
But u are pissing me off. Like u do, always.
Mr. Smarty-pants:
Exactly.
Pissing you off is so much fun.
Me:
u are a useless piece of skin with nothing but drawing skills!
Mr. Smarty-pants:
Also an awesome sense of humour and not to mention
innovation and writing capabilities and a taste in books and music and ability to play guitar and hair cutting awesomeness.
Me:
and u have forgotten to mention your love for "awesomeness".
Mr. Smarty-pants:
That's not a quality.
That's a result.
Me:
And ur another loving activity is disagreeing with nearly everything I say!
Mr. Smarty-pants:
Because you're generally wrong.
…….
And so on….!

-------------------------------------------------
Great. Ain’t it?

.___.

A Reverie

2009-11-23T19:31:00.000+05:30

When you stand at the end of the fight and look at all that you have lost, do you smile for the winning or cry for the loss?

Time is ticking by, your soul is getting old, give yourself one more chance, put back your lone heart’s pieces together again.
There is a spark hidden under your clothes, shred those fabrics, and let that spark to shine.
And may be then you would be able to hear the true music of life.

…

When I’m alone, silent is the wind and like everything is fading away too fast to be caught, I feel like screaming with all my heart. The road is endless I’m running on and the song at the end of the movie is going on, lingering the peace of longing solitude within me.
I cry, slowly; I turn back, I see a beam of light within the darkness, I try to touch it, and the world spin around and goes upside down….suddenly I wake up. I see a piece of sunshine on my bed, lying beside me, I smile, and the dust fairies dancing in that sun beam wish me “Good morning”.

I'm Probably Dead

2009-11-11T16:56:00.001+05:30

I have this oral thrush that is giving me an awful feeling in my mouth.

I have caught cold and coughing like an old man all the times.
My throat is paining now T_T
And moreover my pre-boards are starting from the next week. My preparation is worse than ever and I'm now miserable at best.
I'm so busy, and yes, for sure I'm studying. I don't wanna pass with B grades. <_<
and there is this guy telling me all the times how I suck in English! C'mon, give me a break!

I miss reading blogs, blogging, irritating people, scrapping and commenting! damn!
and now, as I'm going to die soon because of exams, you guys just pray for my life. No, no praying to God. He probably hates atheists like me. I'm a sinner too. lol

I'll be back soon, may be after this month. I can post in between if something happens.
I'm also unable to check the What Did You See? blog due to lack of time.
Bye for now.
miss ya all.
:(

Let's Pretend Tonight

2009-11-09T15:54:00.002+05:30

Let’s pretend we are not alone,

Like you were never gone.

Let’s pretend you are holding me tight,

Slowly we are dancing through this cold night.

Let’s pretend we are making memories again,

We are kissing in this falling rain.

Let’s pretend you have come alive

Lying on the bed by my side,

Let’s pretend, let’s pretend it tonight.

-----------------------------------------

Writing a sad poem doesn't make me sad anyway!
I have got fever, that's why I'm sad. So I expressed my sadness by killing the imaginary lover of mine.
Eek...am so bloody cruel!! ha ha.
Sorry to spoil the essence of the poem. :P

p.s.- I made that love sign in tv screen, lol.

Damned!

2009-11-08T02:31:00.001+05:30

‘For always you have loved,

There was no one to care about you…

O’ silly heart, did not you know?

For always you have cried,

There was no one to worth your tears…

O’ silly heart, why did you cry?’

I stopped my pen and looked at that piece of paper, half wet and dull with real words.

I put the dot pen and took the marker and started to write something on my palm and my hand, like always I do, in this circumstance, at the middle of the night.

Is the blade not sharp or my pain is weak? It was only red skin by sharp scratching, it didn’t bleed. Should it?

Silly heart, still want to live, even being a stone.

I took the dot pen and scribbled again –

‘This is a restless wind,

Soon it will be gone,

You will never feel it again…’

The pen stopped. This time the pillow was wet.

A pale face stared at the ceiling, a rotating fan, the emptiness…

Few salty water droplets stood still and slowly soaked into that emptiness.

…

I made another mistake, and I was punished the way I should be.

Yes. Mistake.

I was happy again. No cause came there, but I tried and found pleasure.

And then life abandoned my optimistic nature.

It was clear, no smile, no joy, no serenity, this is your life, live it.

When the persons who brought you in this world, damns you to hell, everything breaks.

And when you are punished much more than you deserved, even tears become bitter.

And then you finally wake up and see where you stand.

I stand in futile contempt, meaningful misery and silent loneliness.

I wish this beautiful world gets destroyed and so does my twitchy soul.

Or Could I be lost like a raindrop in a sea?...or a piece of cloud in my sky?

It’s too hard to be the one you are not and pretend it for life. It’s hard to breathe then, it’s hard to smile, when you know there is no way out, you can’t make a bridge and cross the river, neither you can swim, you only have to wait till some one comes to let you survive.

I see my hands shaking, for how long can I hold on?

I wish I were dead, so I don’t have to feel this pain of bleeding away.

solace

2009-11-06T22:16:00.000+05:30

As she always chased a fairytale

Running with bleeding feet,

Her love was wounded,

She couldn’t stand the pain…

As she always chased a fairytale

And it could never be hers,

She found her solace in

Fallen leaves and drops of rain…

My hair got fire xD

2009-11-02T21:37:00.000+05:30

Since I saw that I have 40 followers now and actually not really stuck at 7 comments, I feel good.
laugh. that's what I want!
so, lets write something lame. [yeyy, cheers for me]
:P
...

A girl asked me, "OMG Aritry! you had nice hair, what did you do with it?"

me - "It got fire somehow, so I needed to cut it."

she was like ----> O_o

Me n' Satadipa walked passed her. Then Sat laughed out loud.

Sat: "Dude, are you crazy? what the hell you told that nerdo?"
Me: " Didn't you hear? what more can I say. I am at my wits end."
Sat: "But fire?!!"
Me: "yeah, did ya see her face? Her eyes were like eggs."
Sat: "Aren't they normally eggs?"
We both laughed our asses off.
we did.
xD

...

I went to my school's exhibition today with friends. I made fun of some idiotic projects, I acted seriously in the Philosophy exhibition and actually harassed a girl.
I kicked a boy I know. :)

My school is a girls' school.
But anyone can come in the exhibition. So there was like a fair going on where we could see more group of boys than our own girls.
May be 0.5% of them were interested in the exhibition thingy actually! lol
But I didn't like a single lad.
I only said "Hi, how are you?" to my batch mate Hasmukhlal [not real name], I had a crush on him, or may be still do. But he is only good in looks, he is not at all smart........but so HOT! T_T

Hasmukhlal = I have a bad habbit of naming people. he always smiles, no matter what, or even if there is no matter at all!! .__. so he is the "Hasmukhlal"
In case you don't know hindi, this name means - 'a person with teeth out always, smiling'

so, at the end of the day, it was all good. Even after I slept a bit in my physics tution class, it was okay
I am feeling happy. :)
[heard Dips?]
:P

me n' the collaboratoin blog

2009-10-31T00:52:00.000+05:30

I wish that everything just changes! I wanna get rid of my PRESENT life.
It’s f’cking me to the core >_<

Come on…I need something.
I’m gonna nearly leave networking sites after November because of boards exams. And now, at this time, I don’t wanna do anything else than speeding up time. I hate the hollowness.
I am not a nerd, I don’t love studying. I study cause I need to :|

I want my life to be full of excitements and adventures, I don’t want 39 followers and 7 comments [I’m stuck with 7], I would rather have 20 followers and at least 10 comments.
And there is this people who are having fun! I envy, truly :[

I wanna jump into a snow avalanche,
I wanna run over the green fields,
Let me soak into a soft sunshine,
I wanna drench in cold pouring rain,
Let me open my wings and make it mine!!

-----------------------------
Let’s do the work-talk now.

I have told you about the new blog in collaboration with some people.

Okay, this blog’s name is “What did you see?”
And the people who go out everyday for different purpose and actually face things quiet everyday can join this blog.
You will write in short that what do you actually see everyday. Individual incidents everyday. You don’t have to write everyday. Write when you feel like. And I want so many people to join it. :D
If you are intending to join, ask others to join too.
Blog appearance won’t be changed.

Further ideas are most welcomed.

I invite – Veena, Ananya, Soin, Vighnesh, Sapna and Deeganto to join.

Anyone else? Please tell. ^_^

blog link - http://open-eyes-now.blogspot.com/
[nothing is posted though]

p.s.- leave ur email ids here.

A Shameless me would paint My Wall or Shoe?!

2009-10-29T18:59:00.000+05:30

When I stopped scratching my head, I actually found out that I am so screwed!

I’m feeling more miserable than I felt when I saw Adrita’s note about deleting her blog.

I loved that blog; it kind of inspired me to write things! And now, it is gone.

And then I faced the worse misery, it is worse than the realization that I write nothing special and people who loves me and my ordinary posts care to comment. Well, I’m shameless. Yeah, that is what I found out finally!

e.g. today:

I called up a friend of mine to let me borrow his cell phone as he is not using it before the exam time. ---> Shameless.

Okay, mom ceased my cam and I need a phone to have some snaps…I can’t live without clicking pics of me and my surrounding! Lol. ---> Shameless again.

And I told Dips about my crush on the internet guy knowing that it won’t help me in anything. I was just letting my heart go open. Ha ha ha….Dips told leave your hope, I didn’t felt so stupid at all.

But ---> Shameless!

****

Errrm…I guess I sat here to type something else and wrote actually something totally different, literally and sensibly [if that word can be applied here :/] .

Well, as I have told before, I have my pre-board exams from 18^th Nov. And I should be studying like hell right now. But no, I’m just staying so damn normal. I promised myself to study well from 1^st Nov. lets see if something works out -_-

I don’t know why, every time before exams I start to plan stuffs which I get less bothered to make real after my exam. So, this time is no exception.

I told myself that I would obviously make my plans successful [and I do that every time, bleh]

Mentally Retard Aritry’s Plans:

+ I already plan about what I would wear on the first day of my college and how it should be!

+ I thought I will paint my wall with acrylic paints and make objects and cartoons to cover the mark of tapes of the posters I used to make and stick on my wall.

May be I would make more stars, birds, musical letters [I don’t know a term for them], hearts an stick too ;)

+ After exam, I will see “Ajab Prem Ki Gajab Kahani” with Sat [my besti].

+ I have a new blog idea. I want to do it in collaboration with my blog friends. [to be explained later in some other post]

+ I planned to make a paper lampshade and I would put a dim bulb into it and hung it from my ceiling over my bed corner, isn’t that good? ^_^

+ And I wanna paint my old pair of snickers and slippers.

+ I’m planning to buy a web cam too! :/

A pic by the phone-cam. It's way too much crappy! >.<

---------------

Enough for today, this lazy-ass can’t type much…

Whoever reads, gets a candy xD

Haircut upshots >_<

2009-10-28T23:58:00.000+05:30

I got a short haircut nearly 2 weeks back. Mom was away then.

So when she came back from Chandigarh she was like hell furious on me. And we didn’t talk for a week.

That was mom.

And then comes the people around me.
My classmates and batch mates, they were like ‘OMG! What you did?’ and ‘you are not looking good.’ and ‘your previous hair was better’ and ‘what is this cut’s name? it’s so kiddish!’
Okay, it ain’t any kiddish cut. Someone gave me the hair cut for free of cost just as I wanted.

And I was fuckin’ bored with my hair and my face, so I did that. And I would experiment with my hair always, again and again, you like it or not! >_<

And then, there were my friends from networking sites. There were different kinds of opinions among them when I uploaded my recent pic. But none was too negative. And it wasn’t supposed to be negative, as I know they are up-to-date -_-

One day I thought I should get bald and give some people a strong heart-attack that they would disappear from my world, but then I also thought how pathetic would be my own condition! Yea, I’m no Britney Spears.

Now that I’m sick, mom had to talk to me and everything went normal in 2 days XD

But it was better before, no talking to mom = peaceful day and calm mind

LOL

Her Peace

2009-10-27T22:20:00.000+05:30

She was sitting on the riverside,
Swathed with the shaft of dawn,
Breathing in a lone moment…

The early wintry breeze shivered her,
She gazed at the flow of water blankly…
Wishing her life to pass by fast like this.

Peace she has now is more bitter and painful,
It is the peace of silence, no screams, no sound
And she felt her words lost in somewhere else.

Peace she wanted, engulfed with love and tenderness,
The peace she never had, she never tasted,
May be her frozen eyes still longs for it…

And may be she could wait up for something
To change her life, to soothe her wounds,
But she was too broken to stand up and fight back again.

For life has given her more and more pain,
Rapturous feelings she never expects
Even her sore eyes never bled again.

She still sits there, the sun rises and sets again…
But she never came back from where she was gone
As she has found another peace in her forlorn loneliness.

-------------------

yes, i've again written a sad poem...blah blah :P

This night and me...

2009-10-26T00:09:00.001+05:30

I was standing alone on my terrace. It was nearly the midnight.
The chilling air of the early winter made me to shiver a bit…no, I didn’t want
Warmth from a living body.
I saw the silent city, a sleeping valley of life, I felt like the watcher of the whole world.
I looked at the sky and kept gazing until my shoulders felt pain; there was a long line…or a patch of white cloud…it was stretched along the mid-sky seeming to make a path towards another space.
The misty dark sky, the faded stars, half-melted pale moon and lights of the faraway flyover, could not solitude be more beautiful!
I forgot everything…the pain, the grudges, the wounds, longings and dreams…it was me and the beautiful void of my world.
I wished the morning never comes…

But I had to come back, into my shell, a narrow dirty world I live in.

NOTICE:
I have moved my poetry blog to some other account. You won’t find that in my profile’s blog list. It is in the “Must Reads” in the sidebar, named “Poems to the lost souls”.
From now, I would be posting here my poetries too…so ready to read from the trash-cans :P

And …and, I’ve again opened a new blog. Have some time to spend?
Check out -- Fatuous Story of A Raindrop

Life. Now. Never.

2009-10-21T20:17:00.000+05:30

What do you see when you look back at your life?

Memories, joy, sorrow, pity, miseries?

I see colors…colors which contain words, love, tears and peace.

Dark and light, vibrant and dull colors and uncountable hues.

The canvas of my life fills up; I see the greatest painting ever.

That’s how it is, according to me.

But my life is on SOS now.

I have less that one month to brush up all that I have learned through the year & need to complete my syllabus. Yeah, my exams are starting from 18th Nov.

This exam would allow me to board exams.

I’m out of the blue now. I came back to the normal version of life.

Everything is okay, not good, but okay.

Mom is coming back tomorrow.

I’ve got a surprise for her. I’ve cut my hair so short that she would faint seeing me, lol.

And I don’t know if she would end up beating me. But am happy about her coming back.

Ahh…it’s a real relief. She has bought 5 Tees for me…I can’t wait to see them.

Yeyyy.

I miss my net friends a lot, I can’t be online much, there is some problem in my net connection.

I’ll be irregular for my exams too.

And peeps, if you have time to see something out of the box, go check this site à http://www.peteranswers.com

It’s amazing if you get Peter to trust ya :p

And at the end of the day, I have thought about life again, and I got one thought to share -

‘Every time I feel down, I think that every thing happening to me is spices of the delicious dish called life, I need those spices to make my dish tasty.’

I should start taking my advices eh?

PeAce~

Me n' Myself

2009-10-18T21:04:00.000+05:30

All I look like is not what I am really.
I am someone else.

Sounds lame?
Don't laugh, I ain't making fool of myself but screaming that I'm the most different person alive, neither I'm so insane that look at me.

But still, look into my eyes; do I look like that lil light kiddish type maddo?

From my preteen years, I have always wanted that someone would come and take me out of this place and put me in a magical world where I would find my prince Charming.

But I long for my prince no more. He is lost in the pages of fairy tales and here I am, in reality.

But I wanna get outta here and run through the world, see everything, capture the moments in my eyes, embrace the beauty of life within me.

I can’t change me life.
No, I can’t.
But hey, I dream.
‘What’s wrong to still dream on?’ a voice inside me whispers everytime I lose.
Don’t tell me I can’t win. Cause I dream. Don’t break me, because I love to be optimistic.
I can always give it a try…may be again, another try. =)
I can change me for better, but you can’t always repair your flaws, neither do I.

Sometimes I feel like I have a bad luck. I just didn’t get the opportunity to explore myself.
Then may be I could have been a better person, someone else!
Useless is me cause I don’t have a nice talent in me.
I’m still searching for it…umm…you can help, can’t you? :P

But I’m not really so good. I feel so down sometimes.
I just feel like I’m stuck in between everything!
And I keep wishing like a hopeless dreamer till the Earth stops moving stumbling upon the mountain of my wishes!!

Enough for now. Sorry if this seemed a trash to you :|

Smokes and Bitterness

2009-10-16T20:55:00.000+05:30

Third time I burned that white stick called cigarette and I can still feel the bitter smell of the smoke I inhaled within me, it makes me feel like puking!
Every time I swallow a piece of real food, the smell squeals through my throat and attack my nasal system, just like I’m carrying that smoke and ashes in my stomach!
I wonder why people actually smoke? And I’ll wonder for my whole life.
I probably hate it. May be they do it because they think it looks cool.
But incase you are not a smoker, let me tell you, it’s something less idiotic than only a foolish thing.
Okay, I did it for third time. But believe me, I never liked it. Not at all! I’m just a bit experimenting with it, the strong one, the soft menthol flavored one and perhaps the normal one has injected its smoke in my lungs.
And no more for enjoyment. Because I don’t enjoy it even 0.01%...!!
It makes my tongue bitter and gives a scorching feeling in my throat and sometimes hurt my nose holes! <_<
May be the smoke flying out of your mouth in a style creates some fancy, but face it, it’s a gentle suicide!!!
I would rather take cyanide than cutting my life span short with the help of this stupid thing called smoking!
I hate smokers. Go and jump off the highest bridge you can reach if you have no other thing to do than smoking cigarettes and cigars.
I feel pity for those people who are chain-smokers including my dad and I think they are idiots in a different kind of way.

PeAce Out ~

Insomniac Eyes

2009-10-14T10:03:00.000+05:30

It was dark.
The hint of dead street lights drew the figures of masses.
Sleepless she was lying blankly, holding her pillow tight…
She suddenly saw a white beam of light on the leaves of a plant in her balcony.
She kept staring, assuming this light may bring some change in her world; she cried, feeling insecure, feeling cold.
She woke and sat on the bed, thinking about herself, who she is, what she is?
Tears were irrepressible, she wanted her mother, but knew her mother was half-a-country away then. And finally she pushed the buttons of the phone; she called up her mother and cried to her.
She deadly missed her.
When she was half-asleep, she felt that her half-drunk father entered home and crawled into bed. The never-beloved he is, she felt pity.
She didn’t open her eyes, she was too alone, too numb, to fight back.
That night blurred away slowly and she kept staring at the piece of sky from her window pane, tired of revolving around pain, and she saw the stars kept shinning on.

Flash-back ..

2009-10-10T21:37:00.001+05:30

She was the ever-charming magician, a hopeless romantic, a hopeful dreamer.
My world revolved around her.
I loved her.
She was my best friend and we stayed trampled together for long 11years.
Yes. From my junior school days.

And then one day, I found this another girl Sat who showed me the reality.
Slowly I discovered in two years that my best friend has changed a lot, and she changed for the worst.
She became possessive about me; in the other hand she was selfish and rude, even towards me.
It ended in a bitter way.
She is out of my life now. I don’t cry for our broken friendship anymore. It’s all over.
But sweet memories? ----no, they never fade.
Just this evening, it was a power cut; I was bored and drowsy and alone.
Lighting the Candlestick I sat before the table and suddenly my eyes fell on that box.
That was an old round plastic box of some food, I don’t remember. But it contained most of her letters. Yes, we used to write letters, not because we lived faraway [we live near each other], but because we loved it. There were some cartoons and anime sketches too, the anime characters we made and wrote story about. They were like treasures to us. We wrote seasonal letters, update letters, idea and fun letters!
I know it is weird, and I laugh every time I read them.
And don’t know why, I never feel like throwing them away. Never.

But days are not that bad now. Mom left for her art exhibition in Chandigarh today.
There are only me and dad at home.
So I’m responsible for cooking, cleaning and managing things!!
But days will be peaceful without mom. But I’ll miss her!
Tomorrow my batch-mates are arranging a surprise birthday party at my home for my computer science teacher who is likely to be called as our Brother cum friend. : )
I have to arrange everything! It’ll be fun I guess.
I would surely update blog if something goes wrong :P

Anyways, a thriller movie is waiting for me on TV…gotta go.
Bah byeeeeeeeee ^__^

p.s.- This is the second and last time I have written about her. No More.
p.s.s.- Only if you want to know, her name is Seonti! [I know u cant pronounce it!]

xD

Spend the night with a candle...

2009-10-09T11:49:00.000+05:30

If its too dark too see,
Let the night embrace you totally...
If it's hard to hold in the cry,
To the pain bead good bye...
If the moon looks deadly pale,
Spend the night with a candle.
...
......

"She was first kissed when she turned eighteen, tenderly by the one she loved truly"
...may be this is how we will remember Satadipa's first kiss. It felt like she has actually turned into a woman, at last.
I'm still a going on 18 type filthy creature. And I wonder if I could be at her place.
well, the thought that the guy who is now her boyfriend liked me previously doesn't bother me.
It's about being loved and cared.I envy her that way. Besides, I'm really happy for her. She is one of my closest friends.
I never wanted to be in the place of Drew Barrymore's character in the movie "Never Been Kissed".
but I should admit that I'm 17 and I don't have a boyfriend. I know that's nothing SooO important.
But it is not that I could not have one. It's that I didn't want to have one as I always find out falws in boys and reject them. though most of the times they are not of my kind. But whom i like, never looks at me. Don't say "Bleh".
You should feel the way I feel, all the times listening to other's stories. When I had a guy, I never chatted about him too much. Why the hell this girls do so? <_<
I feel sick sometimes. Annoyed....or may be envious? umm...not really!!
but I guess, it's okay to wait for the right time and the right guy may be!!
Now I should be busy in gossiping, studying and having other teen-funs!
Idk!! =/
just felt like writing it down!

--------------------------------

PeaCe~

My Vengeance

2009-10-05T23:49:00.000+05:30

He told me "fuckoff"

well, let me tell you...you SonOfaBitch, I am the mother of bitches!!
Fuck to the eternity....that idiot girl is ready to die for you, but you can never fuck me off!
you idiot loser, you made this thing a hell bitter.
I loved you and then fall out of love. But I never hated you.
I dumped you if you mr. short-memory can remember! <_<
And now I'm going to stick you in my Burn Book!!
I hate till you die crying...lost in darkness!!
I'm gonna ruin ur joy..u mothrfuker...ur gonna regret calling my names.
Remember my real name...you would scream it later xD
And yeah, I deleted you orkut profile!! what ur gonna do about it loser??
Buw ha ha ha ha!!!

And that girl, well, you will lose her soon. I know how to convince that poor creature.
aww....poor you!

...................................

It was all okay.
We were apart. Our best friendship, our love relationship were broken.
yet we were happy.
I never wanted to make it bitter that if we meet ever, we could smile at each other.
We scraped sometimes to know how we were.
Then he asked me to call him. I called him up.
He said I like this friend of yours. Please try to help me.
I said 'okay'.
I said, 'this girl is idiot man'
he replied, 'thats why i want her'
I told 'you devil'
he laughed.

that girl came to my place. She was really excited about him.
I smiled.
Then, without asking me she called him to come to my place.
I opened the door when someone knocked, it was him. I stood dumbstruck.
Then she told me what she did. My parents were at home and as they left together, my mom probably knew what was going on and charged me. well, i told mom clearly that I didn't knew why he came.
I didn't, really!
then I scraped him about how shameless he was to show up before me and walk out with that girl. How dare he to come to my house without any permission.

he scraped back, "calm down...listen hard...fuck off".

I was torn.
I cried for the whole evening, first time so much tears for him.
and now I realise, I don't regret every tear I never cried.
I'm happy to hate him.
Because after my rude reply he scraped me in real bad language insulting me. I didn't fight anymore. It could have affect my dignity. I somehow knew his password, so went to gmail, changed it and then deleted the orkut profile. ha ha....that id is now of no use.
and I don't feel relaxed yet, got to break his relationship with that girl.
And no, I won't listen to anyone. I don't wanna regret my first love as a bitter memory for the rest of my life.
I want my vengeance.

Rustic Dreams

2009-10-01T12:08:00.000+05:30

She thought it was her time
Running through the path
Of the game called life,
She couldn’t look back
She thought inside…
But was it too late?

She embraced the cold night,
Fleeing from the rush on the city streets,
Crawling back into her old shell…

Calling your name was too hard,
Deep down cried a bounded essence…
My voice was sleeping in your heart,
You were to busy to wake it up…
I’m dying in front of your eyes,
But you don’t ever look at my face…
As if I’m invisible.

……………………….

I couldn’t sleep last night. Sleep fairy got tired and whispered a silent good bye.
I lied hugging my pillow, wide awake.
Awaken by the sense of emptiness, in that solitary moment; it was middle of the night.
The story book, the music or the ship-counting thoughts could not lead me to sleep.
Some memories of ecstatic nights of having a chat with an understanding human, a friend, a love devastated my entity.
I could have escaped…
But I surrendered.
I didn’t try to swallow the tears made of that unknown pain in my chest; but they didn’t come out themselves. Have they left me too?

I have ignored this darn loneliness a hell of time.
But what can I do when I want someone else than the sky to talk to in the middle of the night and can’t find out just one proper number on the phone to call up?

After reading a girl’s thoughts I finally realized that I have survived they same way she did.
But is there nothing of that left? May be there is and that thought scares me.
I want to move on, simply towards life.
And the best way to do that was to press “DELETE”.
And I did that before he could grab me again. The empty draft box of that mobile still jabs me in the ribs to announce its old existence. But time will smash it down.
So will be my net life. Yes, now I DON’T visit his profile every time I log in and see his albums.
And may be someday, I would laugh about being crazy about those two humans.
May be I would attend one’s wedding smiling and chat with another arguing on any issue.

And may be then, I would be able to call someone else and talk for the whole night and read him some of my weird poems.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this picture is taken 2 weeks ago. we had fun in my house!!

I've grown older by 2 days

2009-09-28T23:54:00.000+05:30

I told her, "Go and call my mom, bring her outta the room"
she went and kicked twice on the closed door.
Mom opened it quickly and looked left to right blankly.
Well, she is just under 3 ft and she is my sister's daughter; so she did that being under mom's eye level.

...I know bad joke it was!
But look, in spite of everything, past two days weren't really that bad.

I wasn't at home. Everyone at my mom's family side gathered at my maternal aunt's place, she has passed away in June. Recalling memories, chatting and eating were the things we were up to.
Though I has to listen that, I'm disobedient, rude and selfish at times. I'm a loner. I'm always complaining. I can't be happy and let others be happy.
I kept quiet.
yeah, I tried to handle the situation just like that. If I burn out, the heat would increase.
It's better to stay calm. How long they can spell their advices!
They never understand, This is me! This is the girl who never listens.
They can never change me. Dorks!

Bad parts always exist. but I know I have to look up to brighter sides, only when they exist for sure <_<
anyways, it wasn't so bad as I said. I saw most of the pujas in South Calcutta.
I ate good stuffs a loadz and grew my tummy by an inch I hope. I gotta work out soon!!
And I didn't study... [yeyy]

And the festival joy ends today.
Though, tomorrow won't be dull. We [me n' pals] are having a great treat from our chemistry sir.

at the conclusion, the sentimental me reminds something I discovered while walking on the night road of festive Kolkata,
"the city floods with lights of joy and love and I watch silently. I walk slowly on the crowded street, surrounded by thousands, yet so alone. I find my solace, in that unnoticed sky...I wish I had wings, so I could fly away in that starry dark sky."

Durga Puja

2009-09-26T18:31:00.001+05:30

ell, I'm thinking about telling something on this Durga Puja occasion.
Many people consider it only a religious Hindu festival. but for Bengalies, this is more than that. and yeah, bengali=every citizen of west bengal and Bangladesh!
Its a cultural festival to grow the integrity among all people. People gather at places, get together with family, they go to various Puja Mondaps to see the creative ideas they produce through the mondaps.
Its a fun time everyone spend.
So atheists should not worry about enjoying this festival. It is open for every religion and its not at all religious in narrow sense.

This is the Durga idol in the mondap made by the club of our area.

Stronger may be...

2009-09-24T00:20:00.000+05:30

I don’t know why I’m writing this. But I can’t help myself. May be I’m doing this because I don’t want to cry, no more, because I don’t want to let them hurt me so easily.

Earlier this evening I was planning to write something happy. Like the way me and my friends enjoyed today. But life always plays the last game with me. So that, if I get 50% of joy in a day, there would be 50% of sadness in a day, but err… the reverse ain’t true most of the times. So at the end, I finally produce a sad blog post about how I suffer.

So, I’m not going to tell that, 1) me and my friends gathered and had a half-party like thingy together at my place. 2) we ate Biriyani, French fries, drank Soft drinks and a bit of vodka [1/4 peg for each one] 3) we took random funny snaps and danced like retards 4) My friends boyfriend came over as my mom-dad wasn’t home and we chatted and so on.

And there comes the sad part. I was eating the party left over foods in dinner sitting on the sofa in our drawing room, watching the Tv. Mom came from her studio-next-door to make the dinner for father and herself and mainly to watch her favorite tv serials. When she was in the kitchen, I turned the channel to Star Movies. She came and shouted on me with an awesome wildness, I’m quoting some of that delicate speech – “What the hell do you think you’re doing? How dare you to do that? You small imp go back to your room! Why don’t you go and sit there, you spend most of your day there anyway!....”(and more blahs)

I’d rather run away and beg on streets for my livelihood, but won’t stay here long to be their burden. Yes, that’s what I am for them. Another useless burden.

Yes, I stay most of the times in my small room I don’t poke my nose in their matters. They only call me when they need the world to know that I, their only daughter exist.

Two days ago, an idiot me was feeling the ultimate emptiness alone being insomniac at night. I was thinking that there is none but my parents love me. How wrong I was. Its just that sometimes I love to believe that they love from inside. But that’s not true I know.

By the way, what is love? It’s nothing. I know, deep inside I know and you too, love doesn’t exist. But we don’t admit, we fear to do so. But tonight I tell you, LOVE IS NOTHING. It is only illusions of hormones. Real love only exist in fictions, books, movies, not reality. It doesn't exist. We try to show we love; we try to walk on the scripted way, the way it should be as we think the ideal one. It’s all a big pretention until you get officially mad. What do we do when our beloved one dies? We cry, be sad and after few days, we go back to life, we eat, smile and enjoy. That is what the harsh reality is. And I believe it.

I thank my life for playing those big games with me and let me to lose in them because it taught me a lot. It made me stronger, smarter person. Now I never cry in front of a single damn person, actually I don’t cry much anymore. I don’t feel anything, so materialistic that I have become.

You know what, I feel so strong, may be none uses this word to describe me, but I do. And they can never shatter me into pieces, never…because I have a belief in my heart, the day that belief dies, I die too.

I don’t expect you to feel. I don’t expect you to feel the common blog entries of a very common life, I don’t expect you to feel all of my critical feelings and thoughts and views, I don’t expect you to feel sorry for me or love me. I don’t expect anything. So if you do anything that would be beyond my expectations.

I write, and I write for myself.

Loser-fuck

2009-09-22T23:20:00.000+05:30

I saw, I could not believe.

A big 'L' for him.

look at this...

[click to see the fullsize image]

And I call this craps by losers who end up being a big show-off after losing something.

I had lost many friends, but not in such a bitter way, we still smile at each-other when we meet.

But there was no ex-friend that I made by a big mistake, who would out up my name like this in his orkut status message. I pity him.

But I realized, how people can pretend.

I thought he was a good friend.

some times ago, he started telling me that I have changed, I am rude.

well, Once Rakesh told me "dont panic about wild-sex. sex is the generation."

I want to tell this guy, "rudeness is the generation. live it or go, die."

Hate me, I don't care.

But I don't know if he deserves to be put on my personal blog.

well, after all this, I feel satisfied, because I never took him seriously. he used to SHOW loads of care and love. But I wasn't a real moron to believe some guy on internet sitting a-country-away from me.

"Loser-fucker" is the out-of-dictionary word i get in mind after this.

p.s.- thanks to Ambika for showing me this crap. I can finally build-up the image of his real face in my mind.

I hate this part*

2009-09-21T20:22:00.000+05:30

Life is always one step ahead of me to screw up everything I hope for.

Just the moment I started jumping because of the thought that This Durga puja is at last going to be a fun one for me, something happened to make me realize – my world can never change and this puja is going to be the same old and dull again.
Yes, I’m not going to have the night out and the village-puja visit anymore.
No scope for taking photos I planned for.
I will stay with my mom-dad and do shits.
Because it is always just about Them, never me!
And truly speaking, I don’t find any kind of FUN with them. And I can never be happy to see my plans being spoiled my them.
I probably hate them for this.

And I wonder what a stupid I was to make plans and be happy!
It doesn’t belong to me.

I'm regretting the way I told Deeganto and Vinusha about how I’m gonna enjoy it.
I’m looking like a fool right now!
I hate this part.
Give a break!! ..for hell’s sake!

BLAH!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whoever on this earth don't know me personally, are welcomed to my new veryyy personal blog.

If you have a plan to be bored and read craps made by me, go stalk me there.

mail me at aritry.das13@gmail.com for the blog link. thank you. :)